Wednesday, December 15, 2010

when is too much too much?

I have learned that I am not a person who likes uncertainty in my life.  I like knowing what needs to be done when it needs to be done, then left to get it done. I like knowing when I will have Bradley and having the time to prepare for him. I like knowing where my kids are living and how, and I like knowing that when a decision has been made that it is not changed an hour or in many cases less than an hour later.

I am sickened by others decisions and tired of the constant need of me, my time, and my resources.

every flippin day feels like another kick in the gut in one way or another and in the mean time I am supposed to be happy and celebrating Christmas, anticipating with joy (read my lack of joy) at the birth of this baby.

I am sick and tired of the drama in my life.  ITS NOT EVEN MY DAMN DRAMA for God's sake.

after the last 5 minute conversation with Martha and Mike, I realise just how broken down this family is and how much worse this is all going to become. 

seriously, did mike really think that Michael will be at the hospital?  Does he honestly think that everything is just going to be hunky dory after this baby comes? does Martha YET see and understand that her ONE LAST CHANCE is not going to be any easier to fix later, than now? 

How much longer do they all think I can play middle man?  How much more do they all think I can handle?

Sorry to the kind loving people who have followed this drama as I know if it makes me so nuts; that reading it praying over it and being part of it makes you all want to run screaming.... I would not blame anyone who does run who stops reading and writes this whole family off as a lost cause...because it sure is what I feel like doing....

anyway I hope every one has a wonderful CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR. 
as of this second...and you know I will probably  change my mind... I dont plan on writing or thinking or dealing any more till after the holidays... except to let you know when the baby comes.... It is just not fair to the world to have such mess invading their eyes and hearts at this time of the year.

Love Hugs and Blessings to all.
Laura.

12 comments:

jojo said...

~Peach~ you write when you want to, when you can, and know that I will be here to laugh, cry, scream, right along with you. That's just how I roll...love you.

lil sister said...

ditto.

Tracy DeLuca said...

ditto here too. ANd send me an email if you need to chat!!!! (((HUGS)))

TonjiaT said...

Laura, we are all in this with you! every step of the way. even if there are a few roadblocks or two.

I keep you and your family in my prayers daily, and I am going to continue... please give yourself a break. You cant be pulled in two different directions much longer.

Paxie Panicker said...

Actually, it takes my mind off my crap here LOL, so if you decide to write, I'll be happy to read!

You can ALWAYS call me. I've thought of calling you but know for sure, you ain't sittin out on the porch!! It's too damn cold.

You are not alone in your feelings. We've all been down roads like this and have felt like you're feeling. Lately, if I take a poop, I feel like someone may think it was the wrong time.

We love ya hon...you write or not..we're here ♥

Bluebird49 said...

What EVERYONE else said! This is your place to vent, to spew forth, to reason with yourself (if not with your family!), to get prayers and empathy/sympathy from your Internet friends. As far as I can see--a great part of your therapy for dealing with all the craziness of life, (that we all share in at some times in our own life.), is writing about it here. If you don't want anyone "outside" to read it--only let people in by invitation, or whatever you want. A friend of mine has 2 blogs, and one is by invitation only---and it really is her place of quiet venting and honest talk.

If NOT writing is works for you right now--then do that.

I understand. I know you wish you could turn the clocks back to 4 years or so ago...(or 20 years ago!!!), but we have so little control of anything, don't we. You can do your very best to raise your kids in a Christian environment, and still see it all seem for nought sometimes. It's just my hope, that even though right now they don't seem to be on the path, that they'll come back when they're more mature. That happened with us in a more minimal way, but our son and his family are very involved in their church and are doing well....God bless you, Laura! You'll make it through, but you're really being tested through the fire right now!

You know you're welcome to write me at my e-mail (toppingoff55@yahoo.com) when ever you feel like it.

Mental P Mama said...

Love you.

TSannie said...

Just sending you lots of hugs and loves and good thoughts...

TSannie said...

My confirm word happened to be "shedism" as in:

Those of your friends that know and love you the very best had many many "SHEDISMs" to offer to you. Hmmm....I really like this ~Shedism~ one gal's support of another!

Flea said...

I stayed in bed half the day. Emotionally drained. You should try it. It might help. I highly recommend a day in bed.

And stepping out of the middle. Refuse to be the second point in the triangle and let them speak directly. Be consistent. It works. It gets worse before it gets better. But it will get better. You can do it.

HUGS!!!

Grandma Tillie's Bakery said...

BOUNDARIES Peach! Step away from the middle and let them duke it out. I used to try so hard to keep my husband and Dad from arguing that it made me physically sick.

This last visit I just stepped away when they started and let them duke it out (with words) Now if there is a problem that crops up they know I am going to beat feet out of the room and they have to figure it out for themselves...

Ahhh...sweet FREEDOM.

Merry Christmas Peach. Jesus came and died for us to have joy everlasting. Don't let other people's hangups and immaturity get in the way of your JOY.

Chris H said...

DONT YOU DARE STOP BLOGGING, AND RANTING. You need us, you need this outlet for your feelings... and don't you forget it!
I for one am perfectly happy to read your rants...hell I have been there, done that girl!
MJ and Mike are in for a rude awakening alright... and I hope you can tell us all about it!
There ARE worse things that can happen to your family .. a baby is not one of them in my book. You are never too old to return to study and do better for yourself either...MJ can do that!
I think the biggest problem with the MJ/Mike situation is him... his attitude, his lack of financial stability, his lack of respect... etc, etc. MJ is forgivable as she is just a kid, she has not had many life experiences to draw on... to see that the situation she is in is not good.
But she will live and learn. Oh yes, she will learn the hard way.... but learn she will.
YOu need to take a little step back, stop putting yourself in the middle and take care of YOURSELF, MICHAEL and HALO when she gets here. Full stop!
Sending you a huge huge {{{HUG}}}.