I have learned that I am not a person who likes uncertainty in my life. I like knowing what needs to be done when it needs to be done, then left to get it done. I like knowing when I will have Bradley and having the time to prepare for him. I like knowing where my kids are living and how, and I like knowing that when a decision has been made that it is not changed an hour or in many cases less than an hour later.
I am sickened by others decisions and tired of the constant need of me, my time, and my resources.
every flippin day feels like another kick in the gut in one way or another and in the mean time I am supposed to be happy and celebrating Christmas, anticipating with joy (read my lack of joy) at the birth of this baby.
I am sick and tired of the drama in my life. ITS NOT EVEN MY DAMN DRAMA for God's sake.
after the last 5 minute conversation with Martha and Mike, I realise just how broken down this family is and how much worse this is all going to become.
seriously, did mike really think that Michael will be at the hospital? Does he honestly think that everything is just going to be hunky dory after this baby comes? does Martha YET see and understand that her ONE LAST CHANCE is not going to be any easier to fix later, than now?
How much longer do they all think I can play middle man? How much more do they all think I can handle?
Sorry to the kind loving people who have followed this drama as I know if it makes me so nuts; that reading it praying over it and being part of it makes you all want to run screaming.... I would not blame anyone who does run who stops reading and writes this whole family off as a lost cause...because it sure is what I feel like doing....
anyway I hope every one has a wonderful CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR.
as of this second...and you know I will probably change my mind... I dont plan on writing or thinking or dealing any more till after the holidays... except to let you know when the baby comes.... It is just not fair to the world to have such mess invading their eyes and hearts at this time of the year.
Love Hugs and Blessings to all.