Monday, December 6, 2010

monday monday

well after talking to all of the parties involved... BANGING HEAD ON THE WALL...I dont think they get it.  I do care however, I DON'T CARE... I just can't stand being lied to... over anything.  I can help, I can bitch, I can scream, I can empathise, I can even listen, you might have to ask first but, I CAN listen and am pretty good at it.

I do not know how to make my kids and their respective mates understand that WHEN they respect themselves and do what is in front of them to do that all else falls into place. 

These games of he said she said, he did she did, dont really matter to me.  It simply proves to me that my kids dont trust me, and they are little kids in grown up bodies, they dont believe anything I have attempted for the last 23 plus years to teach them... maybe SOMEDAY it will all sink in... I hope.

they all need to understand that I do what I do for my Grandson and will do for my Grand daughter as I see fit for my own reasons and my own peace of mind and that unless they refuse me to see them then I will continue to do so. 

I am tired... tired of the drama, tired of the bullshit, and tired of the games and am opting OUT of them...

I have EARNED the right to feel how I want to and to do what I want to and to REFUSE to do what I dont want...

and since I asked I know that Martha is the only one of them who reads my thoughts so the others will be told by me.  Sigh.

that all being said, I managed to accomplish a couple things today... I returned the borrowed chairs to the lovely man who loaned them to me for the shower, I delivered the bike and clothing to the Salvation Army so that little Michael will have a wonderful christmas, then I went and wandered the stores... trying to think of anything that I am willing to purchase for my kids for christmas... guess what... I did not find a single thing that I wanted or felt the need to purchase for ANYONE ...

Is there a way to cancel the Holiday?  it is a waste of  my time to try to pretend that all is well, all is good, all is happy in my world... I bought Bradleys things months ago when the opportunity hit and as for the baby I am sure as things progress I will be buying things that she needs when the time comes.  Is it truely necessary that grandparents put up and tree and play the comercial games ???

I have a bad enough attitude over the holidays as it is with out all of this. 

Holidays have always been an empty time for me.  I have always tried to see that I give to others in one way or another depending on how much money I may have available at the time... 99% of the time it is in an anoyomous sort of way ... and it is this time of year that I so wish that I had unlimited amounts of money to do for others.  Naw thats not true I always wish it but, its a bit stronger this time of the year.

 Michael said tonight that he saw that one of the homeless shelters in Augusta was asking for mens socks coffee and something else and he was going to tell me which one then to go buy some and drop it off there... but, he was at work and did not write down which it was... so maybe I will just get some stuff and take to which ever I find.

oh well I am simply rambeling on and on saying nothing and hope that you have not totally lost your mind trying to keep up with the twisted wanderings of my mind.

Hey dad... guess what... today acceptance is the answer to all... :)

13 comments:

Flea said...

Merciful heavens, woman. Take the grandkids and run.

I KID. Don't do that.

TonjiaT said...

Laura, take a deep breath and step away from the holiday. Just for a while. You are overwhelmed and no one can force you to feel joyous or holiday-like. It has to come from within..

BUT... when you look at Bradley's eyes when he first sees the christmas tree, you will feel the spirit. When you watch as he opens his gifts you will feel the spirit. When you hear your favorite Christmas Carol you will feel the spirit. Look for Gods spirit in the small things, its there that you will find Christmas.....

jojo said...

I think opting out is a great option!

Chris H said...

Ahhh babe, I have so been there, done that, felt like that, wished I didn't.... hang in there mate... they do eventually grow up and appreciate all that we do for them.... and understand where we were coming from.
Stay strong and true to yourself... you can't go wrong then.

Bluebird49 said...

Oh, God bless you, Honey! None of us likes to be lied to, and we pretty much know the kids are gonna do it. Of course, we're always the last to believe they would. If I'd really known what my two were up to all the time, I'd have been crazy, I know.

Still--this is like the two children you gave life to conspiring to lie to you together, KNOWING how much you hate lying. You simply do not deserve this. How can you ever trust what--any what--they ever tell you now? Honestly, I know you love them, and I understand. I know you love your grandchildren. It just doesn't seem fair that you're being treated like this. IT ISN'T FAIR--that's just the plain truth.

I'm so glad you have your faith, I'm so glad you have your husband, I'm so glad you've been sober for 24 years---cause if you hadn't--well, this would be enough to throw most people over the edge!

Bless you, Laura. You all will get through this~~ I know you will--but heaven knows, it hasn't been easy thus far, so maybe --it will bein the future, I pray so!

Bluebird49 said...

By the way, I also don't think you have to do anymore for the holidays than YOU WANT TO. When my children grew up and got married, I still put a tree up, then my son moved 11 hours away, and my daughter passed away. I haven't put up a tree since 1998--except a little ceramic one I get out during the holidays. I just don't "feel" it--it's not what this season is supposed to be about anyway. You do what LAURA AND HUBBY want!!

Paxie Panicker said...

When David left, I bought a little 4 foot tree with lights and put it up. Even though he is here this year, the little tree will go up. I cannot think of anything he needs, but can think of many things people with nothing need. I gave the razors and shaving cream to the homeless and I've given to Salvation Army. We all have too much stuff.

Bradley is the special one this year and I would focus on him...like Tonjia said.

I'm extremely proud of you for the 24 years sober! Having had alcoholics in my life, I get it. Hang in there hon and do whatever you and Mike want :)

Que said...

Situations like this just make me want my kids to stay small forever. All you can do is stay strong for you. And those who gain strength from you will come along for the ride.

Grandma Tillie's Bakery said...

Holidays are hard when you have ungrateful people in your midst. Maybe you should change the way you do Christmas? Instead of feeling pressured to buy for everybody, maybe you should remember that you just organized and hosted MJ a wonderful, generous shower and she was literally "showered" with gifts! What more does she need for the baby at this time?

And the fact that you babysit every single day, sometimes late into the night for your other kids, well there is no price to be put on that. It would cost them literally thousands of dollars if they had to pay someone and there is no way to put a price on the fact that it is Grandma doing the caring.

Coming from an outsider, I think you have paid your dues and you and your husband should take a little R & R together. All kidding aside, I think it's time to concentrate on YOUR household for awhile. Seeing that picture of your husband looking so tired after working all the time reminds me of how I sometimes neglect my hard working husband. They work at a job all day and then come home and work. And then the people around them lie to their face and use them. Yay! What a life!

Your kids have lied in a huge way to both of you, which shows how little they respect you and your wishes--allowing them to continue using you and your husband is enabling them in the worst kind of way.

And what they do for recreation? You never actually said what it was, but I can guess and if they have the $$$ for that, then they certainly don't need you to babysit for free, do they?

Peach and her hubby NEED a well deserved break. Just use the $$$ you would normally spend on your kids and go enjoy something new and different. Surprise the ____ out of your husband with a Christmas treat for you both (away from the old homestead) People don't know what they have until it's gone and you my dear need to get gone :-)

imac said...

Time away is what is called for my friend.

Just a question tho, why change blogs?

Yippee I'm back in the land of Blggers, my friend.

Mental P Mama said...

There is no law that says you have to do anything for anyone just to celebrate Christmas. That's not what it's about anyway. Take those things to a shelter, and you and Mike have a nice, quiet day. Heaven knows you more than earned it....

mj said...

well...seeing as how i am the only one of the four of us that reads this mess and each time i become more and more disgusted i believe its time for hijacking so be expecting one soon...I AM APPRECIATIVE. i not only say it-i show it. yesterday my mom helped me turn the power on-i took her and my nephew out to eat...im sick of being treated like i just take and take and take...i am a giver too-and id like to be accredited for being that way. Readers please consider-you wont ever get all of the details of any situation...period.

lil sister said...

dearest sister and precious niece, i have thought long and hard (and had many conversations about it with you, sister) about how i wanted to say what i was feeling about this entire debacle. first and foremost, please (and this is directed at you, emjay) understand that this is just my objective viewpoint on the entire situation. a lot changed when i left and i know that you still have hard feelings towards me about that. that is okay. i understand, i really do. so, after looking at everything from everyone's different perspectives this is how i feel. emjay, i worry about you. not in the superficial "god, i hope she is doing okay." way, in the i am scared half to death for you way. i know you are strong willed and feel like you can conquer anything. and i also know that in whatever you try to accomplish you will succeed. with that being said, you are so smart and have such incredible god-given gifts! i am so afraid that you are going to sacrifice them for this guy. i have only met mike once and don't know him any more than a stranger on the street, but what does he stand for? it appears that he treats you well and with respect only part of the time. he doesn't have a real job, or any reliable way to take care of you and halo. your home doesn't seem safe and healthy. (as in a suitable place for a child, especially running power bills like it does!) you are still in high school, working and pregnant. what do you stand for? it isn't a great situation by any means, but you now have so many opportunities available to you because of this child. your school will be paid for. food and housing assistance. good health insurance for you both. all for being a single mother. it will be hard as hell but you can turn an inopportune situation into a future for you and your child. i know you don't want to end up like so many young mothers we all hear about. the ones with multiple kids by multiple dead beat, piece of shit fathers. no school. no future. you can achieve anything you desire, you just have to take those steps. it really just boils down to the fact that i think you deserve so much better than what you are settling for. you deserve a man that encourages you to be the very best you can be. someone willing to stand by you and hold your hand as you both fight for what you want. someone willing to get off his ass and work to provide the very best for you and your child. someone willing to do whatever it takes to make sure you have a safe environment to be in. someone who worships the very ground you walk upon and would never do anything to hurt or alienate you. you don't have that man now, and i can't for the life of me figure out why you are settling. i just want the very best for you, and this isn't it. i know you feel attacked sometimes. i hope you understand that in venting, people (your mom especially) are working through what is bothering them. i hope you understand that you are very loved. unconditionally. no one who reads this wants to offend or hurt you. they all care about your well being and want what is best for you. i know you feel that a lot of this is race fueled. i hope you understand that if mike was some white-trash loser, it would be exactly the same. no one feels the way they do because of what mike is, it is because of what he isn't. i was hoping to keep this short and precise, but i feel as if i have rambled on and on. i just don't want to see you throw your life away, emjay. i love you so much more than that, and i know you love yourself more than that too.