Tuesday, May 31, 2011

thank you all...

for so many things...
comments, calls, texts, reading between the lines.... holding me up when I can't hold myself.

it seems that it is all or nothing in my world at all times...

either it's calm and I feel somewhat bored if that is possible....

or it is utter chaos and usually in a negative way and I can't begin to put into words exactly what I am thinking and feeling ... but  look out I am fixen to try to address many things happening in my world today...

this is purely me putting my thoughts down and be warned I may slide off into a pity party or two or twelve...I might even melt down (ok private joke in there somewhere) but know in the end I am simply sorting my mind out and handing a whole bunch of stuff over to God ... cause ... he can and I can't.

1st.  as much as I don't want to address this topic, as much as I promised I would let it ride and see where it goes I can't because with all the other crap in life I feel this is the most important because it is something that can be if not fixed at least be made better.

MARTHA JEAN... I know you have convinced yourself or Mike has convinced you of some things that simply are not true... I know you get mad when I air our "dirty Laundry" but damn it I don't have any other way of reaching you.
so Let me clear them up  as simply and plainly as I can.
1. We do love you... even when so damn mad at you for doing what we asked/told you not to under all the yelling screaming cussing we still love you.  NEVER forget that and NEVER believe otherwise.
2. We DO love Halo and DO want you BOTH in our lives.  HOW CAN YOU BELIEVE that we don't after I kept her for you and you saw your dad with her... YOU KNOW the TRUTH even if it is easier to deny it... so tell people what ever you want but the lie of us not wanting her in our lives because of race is BULLSHIT.  sorry but that's not gonna fly.
3. WE DO NOT want Mike in our lives for anything, anytime, ever again... and don't spew the crap of he was not given a chance ... HE WAS given a chance to show WHO he is and WHAT he believes in... and HE DID just that... and he is not the kind of person we want in our lives or world. 
4. When you CHOOSE to or NEED to ... I will always be here... that is totally up to you. I will not force you or try to influence your choices in any way. you are grown and have to live with the consequences of your decisions.
 I did have to tell your grandmother that you do not live here anymore but for Halos sake I did not tell her about her... and I have no plans of it ever and you know why.
I reserve the right to readdress this in the future as no matter how much others think I should or common sense tells me that I should, I simply can not ever totally give up on you ... my daughter, my child, my heart.


MY MOTHER.
HARUMP... Drives me NUTS... Is a pain in the butt... Health is about the same... love her but, cant deal with her selfishness and desire to control or belittle me. 


Losing Kerrie... tears... and more tears ... and more.... so much more... because as the realisation of what all she ment in my life hit me smack between the eyes...the loss is so HUGE...
lemmie see if I can even begin to explain...
she was my niece through my husband ...
she was my shopping buddy...she tried so hard to keep me in some semblance of style HA HA.
my swimming buddy...we were taking the kids, you know it was not because we love to go swimming...right?
My movie companion,video renter/ loaner/ reviewer ( I still have a stack of her movies)
my spur of the moment Arbys and Krystal's and any number of other places to go people watch ,eat and laugh, throw peanut shells at the kids, buddy...
she was the one person besides Martha who would play games... yahtzee, farkle, phase 10, cards, dice, you name it and it was always a hoot especially if I happened to win cause she was the worst loser and it would make me laugh so hard.... she would SCREAM, Pout, refuse to play again for a month...
she kept me learning how to use my phone and was working on me getting a smart phone so she would be able to teach me how to use it...
my middle of the night texting ....during the day when the rest of the world is working...
person I could talk to about anything, Laugh with, cry with, work with ...connection to my husbands family...

Thursday when Bradley and I went to see her we talked about all the things we were going to do this summer... because she knew how raw my heart is and she knew that Her, Savannah, and Brenner would be a wonderful salve to help keep me from bleeding out...she was not supposed to go like this... not now... ok so I am selfish... NOT FREAKIN EVER... because I need her in my life.
Excuse me while I melt down a while....
ok I think I can see again...and believe it or not that does not begin to touch who Kerrie was to me.


My sister... Has had crap happen to her that SO CALLED FAMILY ... should not ever do. Eventually she will be leaving Mo. and coming here to stay for a while and getting back on her feet... but it appals me when not only family but supposed CHRISTIANS do the things they do... it just makes no darn sense to me.

And there is our Badley boy... who is a ball of energy and with his parents schedules right now we don't get to JUST be grandparents... which is ok... but at times can be overwhelming and takes some of the total enjoyment from us.  BUT all it takes is that BIG whole body smile to make that all ok....

Speaking of Bradley... Cory and Stephanie got him a cat for his birthday... Poor kitty... well since then Cory has had some huge respiratory issues and finally went to the Dr Saturday afternoon... to find that he is allergic to the cat and it has his asthma flaring up bad and a lung infection... GAH so the kitty has to go.... and I think I told some of you that last week Cory hit a cat, he tried to miss it and it still caught his car... and of course died... well last night three little itty bitty half starved kittens turned up here... I am 99% sure they were hers... I got two of them to eat last night the third was too scared and bit my finger... poor critter.... I saw the two this afternoon hiding in the corner when I was unloading the van... they are calico's and female... and must find homes but have to be able to hold and pet them a bit better before that can happen... they are wild as was their momma. 

we have lived her 24 years and people seem to think that our dirt road is the place to dump unwanted animals... it is not!!!!!!! GAH  I really dislike people who dump animals....

Anyway... I managed to get 99% of my shopping done (I always manage to miss something even with my darn lists) so I see a trip back to the store in a day or so... cause we can NOT live without our coffee :)

if you have read this far... BLESS YOUR HEART... I hope you have a wonderful week and thank you again for being here and keeping us in your prayers and thoughts.

14 comments:

Chris H said...

Good on you for getting it all of ya chest....
{{{HUGS}}} for all the shit and sadness.

Now go buy that coffee!

Debbie in CA : ) said...

Bless yer heart, sweet friend! I have just gotten all caught up around here AND I AM A SODDEN MESS!! *sniff*sniff*sniff*

I do wish GA and CA weren't so far apart! I'm sending a {{BIG HUG}} to you and OODLES of prayers up to our Father.

Love You!
XOXOXOXOXO . . .

Bluebird49 said...

Sweetie--i think you express yourself darned well, with all you've got to deal with right now! I'm so sorry about your niece--I didn't realize youall were so close. IT makes it all the harder.

HUGS!!

TonjiaT said...

(((((((Laura)))))))) the experts say putting your innermost feelings into print is very cathartic. I see your frustration, intense love and grief all coming out here.

I am so proud of you for letting it out......

we are always here to lend a sympathetic ear, I am so happy that you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts..

and I love playing those games, wish we lived closer!

Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

you are so darn honest, and my heart was blessed. Children just don't get it, even when they are grown up and have their own children they don't get it. I hope yours will. Good luck taming the kitties, I hope they are not too wild to be adopted.

Paxie said...

I also didn't realize you and Kerrie were like best friends! I'm so very sorry hon ((hugs))

If talking about Martha on your blog makes you feel better, I say go for it. Your blog and your feelings. I hate that she is acting this way. We all know that what she says is not true about Halo or the sperm donor.

I hate to see you so sad, but I do know you are a strong woman and will get through this with time.

Love you ♥

Ness said...

I wish I had the power to let MJ see what the last 43 years of my life have been like without my mother. She never saw me graduate 8th grade, high school or college, never saw me get married, never experienced her grandchildren and there is not a day that goes by that I wouldn't give my eyeteeth to have her in my life. Laura I am so proud of you for getting these words out. I owe you for introducing me to the Boundaries book and Roger and I study it daily. You are strong and you are noone's doormat and that includes family. Sometimes the closest people in your life share no blood with you. I don't know about Kerrie but I'm sorry for your sad heart and will catch up on what happened. I love you with all my heart and am here for you always. You're in my prayers.

Alice said...

Laura, I am so sorry for all you are going through right now. But please know I am holding you close in heart and up in prayer. I am incredibly sorry for your loss. I know that loss to well when I lost my Kelly. It does get easier. In time. But for now, allow yourself to grieve as you need. As for not giving up on MJ....well don't ever give up on her. I'm still praying. As she continues down the road of motherhood, she will learn about sacrifice and loss. She will see what you have done for her. The most you can do (the best you can do) is to just love her and be there for her when she needs you.

So many hugs friend. xooxx

Grandma Tillie's Bakery said...

So sorry for all the grief you are going through Laura. If MJ chooses to stay away, oh well, her loss. Tough love and all that.

I hate the aftermath of losing somebody--I hate that part when you feel a little better for a minute and then remember and feel bad all over again.

I am glad those little kitties found you. It helps to have something tiny and helpless to take care of when you are hurting--that's probably why God sent them to you.

TSannie said...

xoxoxoxo

Ellen said...

Deep breath. Now, do you feel better???? I hope you do. Oh Laura, if I had to deal with half of what you deal with, my head would be spinning.

Hugs and prayers. Hang in there. Things will get better.

Caution said...

Sending love. Lots and lots and lots of it.

Martha said...

Mama,
i sent you an email with some semblance of an explanation. im sure there is more to come: be advised i sent the email BEFORE coming to blogger. I miss you, i love you my heart aches everyday but im sorry, your husband crossed a line that day that i refuse to allow the possibility of ever again.
Kerrie: i just dont know how to feel about it. all i can do is cry. i didnt come to the funeral because i had to work and i really needed the money. i shouldve been there though. she deserved me to be there.
LC-IF YOU READ THIS I LOVE THEE. i miss you. i know whatever you are going through is going to make you stronger. i cant wait for you to come home. a while ago before you met...you said you knew you belonged here, that MO. just wasn't what you wanted at this point in life. I hope i see you soon.
Princess

WHADDYAKNOWITSEMJAY said...

side note: i tried to hijack or invade or whatever with a post-totally locked out- have no clue what the email is-oye
MJ