Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
March 29 a monumental day in so many ways.
Today is my dads 36th anniversary of his 39th birthday!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY OLD FART!
I love you
And am still a bit confused as to your math at times since i will be 44 this year!
(dads the one sitting trying to ignore me taking his picture)
Yesterday Martha sat with the babies and we tried to capture some good pics but the camera is a tad slow here lately so this is after the kiss :)Halo is SOOOOO her mothers child... only such a good sleeper.... she has to be woken up here most days... shes a talkative little stinker when SHE wants and is still super stingy with her smiles.
Last night Bradley spent the night with us, He and papa played for quite some time... spin the lids... I have some video its pretty funny Bradley picks up the lids carries them to papa and GRUNTS for more.
papa is a good lid spinner...
today Bradley had an appointement with the burn surgon, cory sent me a text said another week of cone head SO we have a new dressing I am sure... will find out tomorrow.
I got this shirt for bradley last fall in savannah ... it cracks me up everytime i see it ... and it finally fits him.
"I didnt do it, nobody saw me do it, I wanna speak to my GRANDMA" then savannah Ga is what it says LOL
TODAY Little Missy is 3 months old... she weighs in at... ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?????
any betters out there... care to guess... win a carnival prize???
12 and a half POUNDS! little CHUNKY MONKEY! Shes wearing Bradleys hat for pics its just too cute... THANK YOU AUNTIE NESSA. she is 22 inches tall maybe 22 and a half its so hard to measure ... but her 0 -3 months clothing is getting tight...
love them big ole cheeks and double chin... wish mine was half as cute. :)
well thems the updates for the week
I am tired and got a road trip coming up soon! wish i could trade in my right leg andknee... everytime i think its getting better it shows me I am NUTS.
anyway thank you all so much for the prayers cards and gifts they ALL mean so much to us. LOVE YOU
God Bless!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
CACACAHHHHHANNNNNGGGGEEEEEESSSSS
I have wanted to put all these pics in one place to remember how much things have changed here ... my honey has been a busy busy boy.
so much work so little time...but the difference is so amazing in so many ways
hes got mad skills that he is not even aware of... there are not too many who can do it all
and he is a perfectionest... he will sit and critique each thing that HE ONLY knows is off, the normal person like me would never know that something is 1/2 inch off
contemplating....
the porch before painting... or maybe i should call it bradleys out door play pen...
but finally it is a safe place for a little wild boy to play
and for grandma to sit and rock and be lazy
painting had begun but had to wait because of snow
then the sun came back out... and more painting commenced
I do think Bradley approves
the flower bed is now finished just not filled in yet... there is just so much you can do when its raining and you only have the weekend to work on stuff and ... I am no help at all any more :(
I so love how its coming along... so many more things that need to be done and so little time... to do them in
but each little thing just makes it all better and better... :)
Friday, March 25, 2011
the power of prayer
Dad called me last night, he calls a lot but, he made me laugh and cry all at once... see my dad works crazy hours and holds groups for people who are new in recovery, as in alcohol and drugs.
He asked me if I remembered what I said to him when I called about Bradley. I called him while I was FLYING to the burn center before we knew what exactly happened or how bad it was. He said that before he got hello out good I was telling him to pray. He said, daughter do you know how heart stopping it is to hear that come out of your mouth before even saying what is wrong? Actually I did not remember what I had said but, I do remember the NEED to get people praying fast.
so dad who was walking into a group, told them all what was happening and they all prayed. THAT IS GOD working to show people who have all but lost all hope, who are at a major changing place in their lives how it works.
you see, and I know my dad wont mind me telling so I will tell... new years eve 25 or 26 years ago, 83 I believe it was, my Dad came to see me for the holiday. My dad and I are and were close even then in the depth of our dysfunctional lives. we had been drinking / drugging buddies for many years... and I had recently found AA *yes I can break my own and dads anonymity* and when he showed up I told him I wanted him to go with me to an alkathon... He came and that night was his last night of drinking/ drugging. There was alot of praying that night along with the fun of everything going on.
Dad has always believed in Prayer and since that night all those years ago we are each others best support and hardest critics there have been times over the years that we have helped each other in ways that most parent/ children can not begin to fathom.
He is who I call 1st when life is overwhelming *after Michael of course unless it is Michael I am calling about HA* He is who I call when feeling lost and alone and he keeps it real and does not hesitate to tell me like it is even when I don't want to hear it... and I do the same with him.
So apparently everyone who was there that night have been touched in a way they never dreamed possible because a little 22 month old boy was hurt and they were asked to pray.
I have never been one to push my beliefs on anyone but I also will say what I think and feel when I think and feel it with no shame and no fear because God gives me that strength and faith, even when things don't go as I think they should or things happened that I do not understand. things like childhood cancer or suicide or abuse or so many things that simply do not make any sense as to why they are allowed.
Anyway my thing in all this is that Prayer is powerful and I thank everyone who immediately stopped what they were doing to pray, people who know us either in real life or though the Internet and the people since who don''t know us who have been so kind so generous and all who have prayed. I have always believed that praying not only helps the one you are praying for but you as well.
May God bless you and keep you all all the time every day and remember when feeling lost, down, alone, hurt, sad ,happy, up, giddy with delight that someone out there is praying for you!
He asked me if I remembered what I said to him when I called about Bradley. I called him while I was FLYING to the burn center before we knew what exactly happened or how bad it was. He said that before he got hello out good I was telling him to pray. He said, daughter do you know how heart stopping it is to hear that come out of your mouth before even saying what is wrong? Actually I did not remember what I had said but, I do remember the NEED to get people praying fast.
so dad who was walking into a group, told them all what was happening and they all prayed. THAT IS GOD working to show people who have all but lost all hope, who are at a major changing place in their lives how it works.
you see, and I know my dad wont mind me telling so I will tell... new years eve 25 or 26 years ago, 83 I believe it was, my Dad came to see me for the holiday. My dad and I are and were close even then in the depth of our dysfunctional lives. we had been drinking / drugging buddies for many years... and I had recently found AA *yes I can break my own and dads anonymity* and when he showed up I told him I wanted him to go with me to an alkathon... He came and that night was his last night of drinking/ drugging. There was alot of praying that night along with the fun of everything going on.
Dad has always believed in Prayer and since that night all those years ago we are each others best support and hardest critics there have been times over the years that we have helped each other in ways that most parent/ children can not begin to fathom.
He is who I call 1st when life is overwhelming *after Michael of course unless it is Michael I am calling about HA* He is who I call when feeling lost and alone and he keeps it real and does not hesitate to tell me like it is even when I don't want to hear it... and I do the same with him.
So apparently everyone who was there that night have been touched in a way they never dreamed possible because a little 22 month old boy was hurt and they were asked to pray.
I have never been one to push my beliefs on anyone but I also will say what I think and feel when I think and feel it with no shame and no fear because God gives me that strength and faith, even when things don't go as I think they should or things happened that I do not understand. things like childhood cancer or suicide or abuse or so many things that simply do not make any sense as to why they are allowed.
Anyway my thing in all this is that Prayer is powerful and I thank everyone who immediately stopped what they were doing to pray, people who know us either in real life or though the Internet and the people since who don''t know us who have been so kind so generous and all who have prayed. I have always believed that praying not only helps the one you are praying for but you as well.
May God bless you and keep you all all the time every day and remember when feeling lost, down, alone, hurt, sad ,happy, up, giddy with delight that someone out there is praying for you!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
thank you my friends...
thanks to several suggestions I am in hat heaven... or hell if corys around... I sent a message last night to a woman on ETSY. com... who in turn contacted several hundred of her friends on facebook who contacted me... and several have hats already made, some want to donate hats, some want to make some and all are praying :) that makes me sooooo Happy...
In the mean time someone (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) has already mailed some hats so that we will have them before the bandages come off and
I ordered one hat from a specialized company (Michael said I must) :) that should be here in a week.... so
I do think the Hat issue for the MOMENT is taking care of its self and for those who KNIT (again you know who you are) when summers coming to an end I think we will be seeking knitted hats and we will re measure Bradleys head... today with bandages it is 19 inches. or 48 cm I believe ... lemmie go check my tape, yep 19 inches so hopefully 18 and a half is his head :)
anyway I am really so ovverwhelmed with gratitude to all of my on line friends and family you have been and are the rocks that i am standing on :) love and hugs and many thank you's :)
In the mean time someone (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) has already mailed some hats so that we will have them before the bandages come off and
I ordered one hat from a specialized company (Michael said I must) :) that should be here in a week.... so
I do think the Hat issue for the MOMENT is taking care of its self and for those who KNIT (again you know who you are) when summers coming to an end I think we will be seeking knitted hats and we will re measure Bradleys head... today with bandages it is 19 inches. or 48 cm I believe ... lemmie go check my tape, yep 19 inches so hopefully 18 and a half is his head :)
anyway I am really so ovverwhelmed with gratitude to all of my on line friends and family you have been and are the rocks that i am standing on :) love and hugs and many thank you's :)
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
in search of hats
this was the night Bradley came home (sorry forgot these were on the camera) his "turban" was rather sloppy and bulky but their hope was to have extra padding and hopefully keep it ON.
Bradley had eatten what was on his plate pushed his plate away and gotten down from his chair, when he decided daddy had something he wanted... he ate nearly the whole thing :)
Yummmm fried chicken...gee i see the film of little boy finger prints on my lense... IMAGINE THAT!Martha finally got Halo to smile for the camera, shes a stingy little thing with her smiles and usually they are gone before the camera can capture them.
she was laughing here... silly little thing. today shes got a stuffy nose and is misrable, Grandma had to show mommy how to put saline drops in the nose then suck them out... and then we headed to wally mart to get some drops and baby vapor rub for halo... the pollen is insane here already.
Mommys hair has gone NUTS and grown longer and BIGGER if thats possible... when martha was a baby her hair was just like halos, then it came in WHITE until she was about 6
this is yesterday after the burn clinic appointment ... the new head dressing is a million times better and he was BOUNCING off the walls until 1 am when mommy finally got here to get him from work. TODAY she was off work THANK GOD cause Grandma is BEAT!
Bradleys favorite thing now is to see if we can catch him... umm mNO we have to trick him into getting close enough to grab on .... he is FAST! AM so seriously considering a leash.
hes doing well and wont go back to the burn clinic until next Tuesday....
WE are in search of HATS that TIE under the chin as bradley will have to wear them for at least 2 years to protect the tender skin as it heals... so if you know anyone who knows how to make them or see some in the stores in your area they need to be as cool as possible cause it gets hotter than hadies here... has been upper 80s already this week... and loose to a point I have in my mind hats like gilligan wore, loose floppy ... I did look here today at ball style caps but all were too big and no ties of course... plus many were the mesh which i am not so sure will protect his head... anyway any and all leads or ideas are so welcomed. and IF you should find something you think will work I will gladly pay for it and shipping :)
Love n hugs and happy what ever day it is :)
Monday, March 21, 2011
QUICKIE UPDATE
GREAT NEWS!!!! the surgon said that the reason the temporary graft had slid so badly already is that the skin under it is healed of course its not pretty pink skin but deep red and tender but the new dermis is there and there is nothing for that part of the graft to adhere to. the other peices are still on tight so not as healed yet! Keep praying Gods listening!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
on Monday
Bradley has to go to the burn center clinic and have his donor skin put back here it belongs, he has been really good about not bothering it yet and we are keeping the benadryl in him for the itching but, when he sleeps he wallers, and has managed to get the front piece all wadded up into a line and I was not about to take the bandages off and try to get it back on right since I have not seen it with out the bandages all the way yet and the risk of infection while fighting to hold him still and get it back on correctly is not worth it. The Burn center told us that as long as it was not bleeding or smelling of infection he would be ok until the morning, and to keep putting the burn meds on the exposed corner.
He has been a wild indian for the last 24 hours... or longer, since surgery... all three spent the night here last night which was a really good thing on so many levels as we had major storms last night with 2.5 inches of blinding rain, stephanie could barely see the road except for when it was lightening flashing, as it was coming down so hard. and of course Bradleys head can not get wet... HE IS MISSING HIS BATHS...
Cory slept 10 hours which is the longest he has slept in ages at one time.
and I hope that it was a relief to Stephanie to know all she had to do was wake me if she needed help with Bradley.
Tonight they are at home, and after Bradleys clinic appt, he will come stay here till tuesday when she gets off work.
This has been so hard for them in so many ways... I think the realisation that as smart as he is he is still just a baby hit them... well HER it has... Cory, God Bless his heart (if you are from the south you know WHAT I mean) is just trying to tell himself over and over that its all ok.
In the mean time they both have missed work and stepanies missed school, of course they both work the kind of jobs that do not have sick time or what ever so when living pay check to pay check thats another stress that is added and,
HOPEFULLY they will finally understand WHY I am so tight with money, I pay my bills and THEN if there is anything left do something I want or buy something I want... and I plan and try hard to save for emergencies... I have tried talking to ALL my children since they were big enough to speak to understand that lifes hard and it is HARD WORK to survive. I have tried to SHOW them by example but, they have not understood... that we did without so they could have and do as much as possible and we Have spent 24 years WORKING HARD to get to where we are today.
anyway THANK YOU ALL AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN for the prayers and calls and texts and messages and everything because I KNOW that My true friends and family are living in my computer. THERE is SO MUCH GOOD to be found online that is is simply overwhelming at times to think...
anyway heres a pic to enjoy....
Bradley took it himself... and sorry I did not take any last night or today but MICHAEL, GOD BLESS HIS HEART... Nearly drove me to drinking with his worrying and reactions to every move the child made.... even demanding that I sit beside bradley and WATCH him sleep ...but, his hearts in the right place.
TA TA till tomorrow. and thank you again!
love and hugs ME.
He has been a wild indian for the last 24 hours... or longer, since surgery... all three spent the night here last night which was a really good thing on so many levels as we had major storms last night with 2.5 inches of blinding rain, stephanie could barely see the road except for when it was lightening flashing, as it was coming down so hard. and of course Bradleys head can not get wet... HE IS MISSING HIS BATHS...
Cory slept 10 hours which is the longest he has slept in ages at one time.
and I hope that it was a relief to Stephanie to know all she had to do was wake me if she needed help with Bradley.
Tonight they are at home, and after Bradleys clinic appt, he will come stay here till tuesday when she gets off work.
This has been so hard for them in so many ways... I think the realisation that as smart as he is he is still just a baby hit them... well HER it has... Cory, God Bless his heart (if you are from the south you know WHAT I mean) is just trying to tell himself over and over that its all ok.
In the mean time they both have missed work and stepanies missed school, of course they both work the kind of jobs that do not have sick time or what ever so when living pay check to pay check thats another stress that is added and,
HOPEFULLY they will finally understand WHY I am so tight with money, I pay my bills and THEN if there is anything left do something I want or buy something I want... and I plan and try hard to save for emergencies... I have tried talking to ALL my children since they were big enough to speak to understand that lifes hard and it is HARD WORK to survive. I have tried to SHOW them by example but, they have not understood... that we did without so they could have and do as much as possible and we Have spent 24 years WORKING HARD to get to where we are today.
anyway THANK YOU ALL AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN for the prayers and calls and texts and messages and everything because I KNOW that My true friends and family are living in my computer. THERE is SO MUCH GOOD to be found online that is is simply overwhelming at times to think...
anyway heres a pic to enjoy....
Bradley took it himself... and sorry I did not take any last night or today but MICHAEL, GOD BLESS HIS HEART... Nearly drove me to drinking with his worrying and reactions to every move the child made.... even demanding that I sit beside bradley and WATCH him sleep ...but, his hearts in the right place.
TA TA till tomorrow. and thank you again!
love and hugs ME.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
its been a rough 36 hours
warning. there are some very painful graphic photos ahead.
ok with that being said read on as I decided to start with some better moments in the last 36 hours.
Halo stayed with us the other evening and she got some great papa time in, he usually does not get to see her because she is gone before he gets home or she is sleeping, she stayed up nearly 5 hours that evening.
here you go Martha Jean the pic you have talked about since before she was born. Papa holds all the babies and talkes to them... and Martha SHE IS A CARBON of YOU.Halo has lovely hands so tiny so perfect
Bradley yesterday... GEE was it JUST yesterday??? Sorry Great Grandma Jeanne, this out fit had to be cut off...
Stephanie was upset that he only got to wear it one time. told her not to worry about the outfit just be thankful.... OK for those who are not facebook friends or have not heard what happened last evening... buckle your seat belts and honest ya'll I put a few really graphic pics that I have not put on facebook because I have family who read here and not there that want and need to see. so anyway here goes
Last evening about 530 545 pm we are not exactly sure ... Stephanie was cooking supper she had potatos boiling on the stove and Bradley was in the other room with his daddy. Cory went to the dining room to see if she needed any help and thought bradley was with him, but mr fast and busy actually was in the kitchen between his momma and the stove as she was preparing to drain the potatos. He grabbed the boiling pot and was pulling it off the stove, Stephanie Grabbed the pot and tried to throw it across the room away from him but some of the boiling water splashed out onto His head. Cory saw it all happen as if in slow motion and Ran grabbed bradley and ran to the shower to put him under cold water. He then called the ambulance service he works for but they did not have a truck close enough so they called 911 the fire dept was there in a couple minutes the ambulance maybe 10 minutes. bradley and stephanie were carried to the burn center (THANK GOD we have the best burn center in the entire south east )
It took several hours to get pain medicines for bradley ( cory had called me and I got to the ER before Him) I apparently drive way too fast ... SHUT UP DAD... anyway bradley was finally given tylenol with codine and it worked wonders on his pain level. you can see the burns in the front of his head but his hair covered alot, He had surgery this morning and they shaved his head from below the crown on the back of his head, forward. He thankfully only has second degree burns (the surgon said after surgery) and they used donor skin to cover his wounds... thank you all organ donors you just dont know who when or how you help someone else.
anyway this was last night ....AFTER drugs, before drugs was pure torture.
this nurse was AWESOME with bradley and Aunt schlena sitting behind the dr was the first to get a smile from bradley, he loves her :) Bradley was enjoying getting the nurse to let him do what ever he wanted ... especially after they put in the iv.
Bradley was a bit drunk and thankfully no longer screaming.. momma and daddy were hanging on by a thread ... but they are strong kids and will be stronger after all of this.
After surgery this morning Bradley was so knocked out... I left to come home in hopes that they would be able to get some sleep... Stephanie told me when I got back that Bradley woke up before I could have left the building.... But he apparently has been pain free as he has had no other pain medicines as of 930 when I left to come home.
this afternoon I picked Martha up and we carried some food that we know bradley loves, in the crock pot so he would be able to have heated food when ever he gets hungry.... He loves shades and procured marthas as soon as she sat down.... there was a cute little girl we saw in the hall who went home today, she gave bradley this balloon. as with all my pics you can click to embiggen... the front of the temporary graft looks really good
Bradley has figured out what to push to take a pic and took most of these him self
he is a happy guy with a great personality and no bad burns will keep him down for long.... At 5 pm cory and stephanie left to take martha to work and to go home and shower and take care of some bills and Bradley and I wore the hall out walking RUNNING carrying his big singing balloon that sings DONT WORRY BE HAPPY and riding in the wagon, the nurses quickly saw a whole different kid than the one they had seen the day before and were pretty amazed. and exhausted just watching me chase him...
he rode 50 laps then pushed it as i held it back because he wanted to RUN.... by 7 i had to make him lay down with me and after some juice he finally conked out ... at 9 when cory and stephanie got back he was still sleeping... I hope for their sakes he sleeps all night.
Cory started puking this morning, I think nerves and stress and that foot long chili cheese and onion coney from sonic possibly gave him food poisioning... he was still throwing up tonight...but after the last round said he felt better so I hope that he has not thrown up any more.
Anyway I am so greatful to all my praying friends and friends all over the world who jumped in and called texted left messages and were there when I called them crying and flying to the burn center... YEAH DEBBIE I MEAN YOU! :) anyway MY knee is screaming and so is my bed ... cant you hear it calling me???? I am going to go fall into it and hopefully sleep cause that hour last night and 30 minutes today just have not been enough.
There is a good possibility that bradley will come home tomorrow, Stephanie has to go back to work tomorrow and bradley and cory will be here with us... michael and i talked about it and who knows if they need to all three may stay here for a while. but thats tomorrow.
again thank you all for the support and prayers we sure feel them :) God is good!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
its wednesday again
time has gotten away from me yet again... big suprise there huh?
Monday I had Bradley and
Halo,
Bradley was tired and conked out on the couch to curious george and he slept for about 2 and a half hours and might have slept a bit longer but while I was feeding
Halo he decided to stretch out and fell off the couch... I had placed pillows so his fall would not hurt... it was classic and sorta cute in a twisted sort of way cause he grinned a huge grin then flipped off onto the pillow then realised I was feeding Halo and had to come love on her and help feed her.
while he was sleeping I decided to go through my stuff and use up the bread ends I had been saving all month and made Bread pudding with Burbon sauce.... YUMM.... I learn little tricks and tips watching the cooking shows and love them late at night when i cant sleep... but this past week since getting back from missouri I have done nothing much more than SLEEP...I think that the virus that was going around up there has manifested in me somewhat differently than how it hit them... Most who had it were puking and had the runs, I have had a low grade fever and a tiny bit of stomach distress (runs) gah.... but the chills have left me dragging. I have gone to bed by 10 ,1030 at the latest which is totally unnatural for me.
I also get up earlier on the off chance that Martha will be here on time to make it to school on time so she can graduate... but so far that is a total waste of my time ... 736 and just got a text saying shes on her way... I guess the school telling her she wont be able to graduate does not leave an impression...
I don't know if shes been reading my blog lately and am not sure if I even care.
we certianly don't talk about anything with any meaning and I feel as though the young woman I raised and admired is gone. It breaks my heart to see what and who she has become.
The young woman that I raised had a heart as big as alaska for herself and others, she had hopes and dreams and plans to make those happen. Somewhere along the line she appears to have given up the hopes and dreams and mostly the plans to make it all happen, and has settled for much less than she is worthy of and is killing herself trying to prove to me how wrong I am.
This past weekend I went to see REE, The Pioneer woman, Martha was supposed to come with me but, that did not happen, she texted me as it was ending saying that I could not go alone and that it is not safe and that I should not be doing things alone.... I texted her back and told her that I am perfectly safe and getting used to doing things alone...I mean seriously, I just got home from a nearly 2000 mile trip alone and will more than likely be going back alone in April, I don't LIKE doing things alone... for so many years she was always there with me doing things and enjoying each others company... I miss that young woman. I dont know how to get her back...I dont know that she even wants back.
Anyway did not mean to turn this into a pity party but thats where its heading so...
Hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday and keep Japan and all the world in prayer as we sure need it.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Spring Forward, Pioneer Woman, and Bradley :)
When I was up North I found Bradley a pair of Elmo slippers, He has not taken them off except to take a bath since I got home and gave them to him. He LOVES Elmo!
he is pushing boundaries like crazy, He knows better than to climb on the table... yet he still does it.
He was sitting in the toy box, Which is totally acceptable, talking to me I assume telling me about the book he was "reading"
then he gave me "THE LOOK" . Bradley has started this look when you are doing something HE thinks you should not, like taking 50 thousand pictures of him!
then he pointed and said NO NO NO NO NO NO lol.
Today (Saturday) The Pioneer woman came to town and I went to see her and have my books signed :)
originally it was to be held at the library but they moved it to the Savannah Rapids Pavilion, it is so beautiful out here.
the locks are dizzying yet so relaxing and beautiful.
people come from all around to walk and bike down the canal to Augusta I forget exactly how far it is but several miles.
It's a place that I never get tired of visiting, my knee is not overjoyed at the hills however.
I had no idea that the DAYTIME meeting would be a discussion on home schooling but you know what with Ree even that is totally enjoyable. I thought about going back this afternoon to the blogging and black heels to tractor wheels session but I think my week has caught up to me as I fell asleep at 3 o'clock and did not wake until 6 pm.
I am so glad to finally gotten to see her in person and to spend my 60 seconds of time talking to her I am sure that given the opportunity I WOULD totally enjoy her as an in real life friend... I am sure that if she could figure out how she would take all of her fans home and get to know them all personally as she is just that kind of person. Hope you have had a wonderful Saturday its been beautiful here and 76 degrees are expected tomorrow... and hey dont forget to set your clocks up one hour it is SPRING FORWARD Time :) that is IF where you live observes daylight savings time.... I LOVE daylight savings and the LATE evenings with light :)
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