thank you all...

for so many things...
comments, calls, texts, reading between the lines.... holding me up when I can't hold myself.

it seems that it is all or nothing in my world at all times...

either it's calm and I feel somewhat bored if that is possible....

or it is utter chaos and usually in a negative way and I can't begin to put into words exactly what I am thinking and feeling ... but  look out I am fixen to try to address many things happening in my world today...

this is purely me putting my thoughts down and be warned I may slide off into a pity party or two or twelve...I might even melt down (ok private joke in there somewhere) but know in the end I am simply sorting my mind out and handing a whole bunch of stuff over to God ... cause ... he can and I can't.

1st.  as much as I don't want to address this topic, as much as I promised I would let it ride and see where it goes I can't because with all the other crap in life I feel this is the most important because it is something that can be if not fixed at least be made better.

MARTHA JEAN... I know you have convinced yourself or Mike has convinced you of some things that simply are not true... I know you get mad when I air our "dirty Laundry" but damn it I don't have any other way of reaching you.
so Let me clear them up  as simply and plainly as I can.
1. We do love you... even when so damn mad at you for doing what we asked/told you not to under all the yelling screaming cussing we still love you.  NEVER forget that and NEVER believe otherwise.
2. We DO love Halo and DO want you BOTH in our lives.  HOW CAN YOU BELIEVE that we don't after I kept her for you and you saw your dad with her... YOU KNOW the TRUTH even if it is easier to deny it... so tell people what ever you want but the lie of us not wanting her in our lives because of race is BULLSHIT.  sorry but that's not gonna fly.
3. WE DO NOT want Mike in our lives for anything, anytime, ever again... and don't spew the crap of he was not given a chance ... HE WAS given a chance to show WHO he is and WHAT he believes in... and HE DID just that... and he is not the kind of person we want in our lives or world. 
4. When you CHOOSE to or NEED to ... I will always be here... that is totally up to you. I will not force you or try to influence your choices in any way. you are grown and have to live with the consequences of your decisions.
 I did have to tell your grandmother that you do not live here anymore but for Halos sake I did not tell her about her... and I have no plans of it ever and you know why.
I reserve the right to readdress this in the future as no matter how much others think I should or common sense tells me that I should, I simply can not ever totally give up on you ... my daughter, my child, my heart.


MY MOTHER.
HARUMP... Drives me NUTS... Is a pain in the butt... Health is about the same... love her but, cant deal with her selfishness and desire to control or belittle me. 


Losing Kerrie... tears... and more tears ... and more.... so much more... because as the realisation of what all she ment in my life hit me smack between the eyes...the loss is so HUGE...
lemmie see if I can even begin to explain...
she was my niece through my husband ...
she was my shopping buddy...she tried so hard to keep me in some semblance of style HA HA.
my swimming buddy...we were taking the kids, you know it was not because we love to go swimming...right?
My movie companion,video renter/ loaner/ reviewer ( I still have a stack of her movies)
my spur of the moment Arbys and Krystal's and any number of other places to go people watch ,eat and laugh, throw peanut shells at the kids, buddy...
she was the one person besides Martha who would play games... yahtzee, farkle, phase 10, cards, dice, you name it and it was always a hoot especially if I happened to win cause she was the worst loser and it would make me laugh so hard.... she would SCREAM, Pout, refuse to play again for a month...
she kept me learning how to use my phone and was working on me getting a smart phone so she would be able to teach me how to use it...
my middle of the night texting ....during the day when the rest of the world is working...
person I could talk to about anything, Laugh with, cry with, work with ...connection to my husbands family...

Thursday when Bradley and I went to see her we talked about all the things we were going to do this summer... because she knew how raw my heart is and she knew that Her, Savannah, and Brenner would be a wonderful salve to help keep me from bleeding out...she was not supposed to go like this... not now... ok so I am selfish... NOT FREAKIN EVER... because I need her in my life.
Excuse me while I melt down a while....
ok I think I can see again...and believe it or not that does not begin to touch who Kerrie was to me.


My sister... Has had crap happen to her that SO CALLED FAMILY ... should not ever do. Eventually she will be leaving Mo. and coming here to stay for a while and getting back on her feet... but it appals me when not only family but supposed CHRISTIANS do the things they do... it just makes no darn sense to me.

And there is our Badley boy... who is a ball of energy and with his parents schedules right now we don't get to JUST be grandparents... which is ok... but at times can be overwhelming and takes some of the total enjoyment from us.  BUT all it takes is that BIG whole body smile to make that all ok....

Speaking of Bradley... Cory and Stephanie got him a cat for his birthday... Poor kitty... well since then Cory has had some huge respiratory issues and finally went to the Dr Saturday afternoon... to find that he is allergic to the cat and it has his asthma flaring up bad and a lung infection... GAH so the kitty has to go.... and I think I told some of you that last week Cory hit a cat, he tried to miss it and it still caught his car... and of course died... well last night three little itty bitty half starved kittens turned up here... I am 99% sure they were hers... I got two of them to eat last night the third was too scared and bit my finger... poor critter.... I saw the two this afternoon hiding in the corner when I was unloading the van... they are calico's and female... and must find homes but have to be able to hold and pet them a bit better before that can happen... they are wild as was their momma. 

we have lived her 24 years and people seem to think that our dirt road is the place to dump unwanted animals... it is not!!!!!!! GAH  I really dislike people who dump animals....

Anyway... I managed to get 99% of my shopping done (I always manage to miss something even with my darn lists) so I see a trip back to the store in a day or so... cause we can NOT live without our coffee :)

if you have read this far... BLESS YOUR HEART... I hope you have a wonderful week and thank you again for being here and keeping us in your prayers and thoughts.

I wish I had

the words to say what is in my heart and mind....
but, I don't ... so many thoughts... so many pains...
Good thing I KNOW that in Time God will take care of it all.

lifes a blur....

since Friday morning Life has been an absolute blur... a roller coaster of emotions ... and total exhaustion.
Kerries funeral was today... my heart aches with sorrow and pride in my nieces who managed to get up and sing, yeah Brit lost it a couple times but, I cant help but think... thank God it was not me, first of all I cant carry a tune in a bucket and second I cant speak much less sing at a funeral.  So I cried for them cause I can do that. 
It was beautiful a version of Amazing Grace that... well was just simply beautiful.
Savannah told of something she and her mother had talked about a few months ago and read a poem at the Graveside and because so many people were there It was kind of hard to hear... that and Bradley was being a very busy wide open 2 yr old.
Anyway... Kerrie would be so proud of how things went... and someday we will meet again...

broken heart...

My Neice Kerrie, passed away this morning.

For some bizzare reason yesterday Bradley and I decided on a whim to go see her and her kids.

I am so damn glad we did, because in my craziest wildest thoughs would I have ever had the nightmare that she would die this morning.

dont get me wrong we all are going to one day, and I know shes had health issues for years... But... Still.
I miss you so much Kerrie.  and you have not even been gone 12 hours yet.

Where does the ...

TIME GO?? seems like i just posted YESTERDAY ... YET, 4 days have passed by...

Sunday, I cant recall what we did... nothing much I don't think.

Monday, did laundry and  cleaned up and SLEPT.

Tuesday , went to get my hair cut by Stephanie :) shes cut it the last three times its been cut and does a really good job, plus she gets credit hours or school!

then I went HERE... to have Lunch with Laura

 this is what we had... and it was delish.  they cut and make everything when you order so uber fresh!

 that evening I took some pics... this ones for you Lori... Emma is a really BIG fan tail Gold fish... she is thriving well.. she just laid eggs and the pond STINKS  ....

 the plants are all in full bloom... and of course in the evening they dont look near as good as in the morning...

 the cucumbers are loaded!

 we have little green maters on all the plants but, one.

 more of the squash

 w ehave a bull frog living in the water fall... he best stay up there cause the Koi will kill him.

 the lilys are still blooming even with the fish beathign them to death laying their eggs.

 Bradley is a busy busy boy... he was having grapes and standing on the couch... he knows better ...tisk tisk.

 I decided to make some pumpkin banana walnut bread today... and they are delish!  will send most to work with Michael tomorrow :)

Keeping all my friends and family in the mid west in prayers cause these tornados are horrid.

A Bunch of... stuff

Saturday, Martha Jean graduated from high school!!! It is anaccomplishment that I was not sure would come to pass.  Here the schools all hold graduations at the James Brown Arena in Augusta.

I personally dont care to go down there but seem  to go on a semi regular basis for one thing or another.

 Schlena, Becca and Malorie went with me.  we ended up sitting all the way at the other end of the arena... I think it will hold 6000 but it may be more... anyway the top pic  (remember you can click any pic to see an embiggened shot.)  anyway  it was pretty hard to see who was who ect from where we were sitting.

My little Kodak camera does a bang up job taking pics from far away.... I got this shot as she exited the stage

 I had gotten seperated from Schlena and becca and decided to get in the shade across the street, closer to the parking lot... to wait for them to find me... They found Martha and brought her out with them... we took a couple pics and looked at halo as martha did not let any of us hold her... then we left.  Yes the sperm donor was there... the way we figured out where he was sitting was by hearing Halo crying... from a huge distance away... he was sitting with some people we thought perhaps his parents and grandparents... one woman we thought was his mom took halo and tried to calm her... it took a monster dose of will not to go get her... but anyway we all found out later when martha asked him... that they were strangers who just happened to sit by him and halo.  I dont know how much will I actually have... to have her there beside me yet unable to hold or comfort her... thats asking way to much of me.  anyway Schlena took this pic... and it was very tense... but, is a nice pic of us... we dont have many in the last years ... so am glad to have it.

 last evening I wandered about the yard taking pics.... the fish are laying eggs... and the pond SMELLS BAD... FISHY.  they will eat 99% of the eggs... lucky is the only fish we have ever had to survive in the pond, that was hatched there.

 my snap dragons that survived through the winter have tons of blooms  about to open... but these are just beautiful.

 love this one too...

 the dragon flies posed for me... love the details of their wings... so amazing.

 i got two of these plants at the grocery store... have no clue what they are.... anyone have any ideas??

 one of my hostas is fixen to bloom.... here is what it looks like ... i think when the flowers open they will be a purplish blue....

 Cory got me this plant for mothers day... it was full of pink flowers now they are dead heads... and I am not sure if i should pop them off like I do marigold heads.... again does anyone know???

 was sitting on the porch with michael... and happend to see this guy  in my peace lily... so grabbed up the camera and zoomed in!  I love these little lizards they are just too darn cute.

 this dove posed for a bunch of pics this is one of the best ones... they are so pretty!

 i want to hold him and squeeze him and pet him name him George and set him free :) 

 some have asked about the straw bale garden that we are doing this year... its growing like crazy and whats even more crazy is the ones we planted in the ground... are doing even better.  All of the plants have blooms we have some little green tomatos on and i found blooms on all the squash, peppers and even one on one of the cucumber plants... I am so excited to see what they do...

its a cool... 95 degrees out there at 6 pm... GAH we are already short on rain this year... and of course watering everyday....

and the big news of the weekend!
Bradley Pee'd on the potty!!!!!!! GO BRADLEY!

Thursday...

Becca (my daughter of another mother) brought Malorie (her niece that she and her mom are raising)

came to play and visit Bradley and I .

 Becca has gone to school with Martha Jean since elementary school and they have been best buddies ...
Malorie is 9 months old... she is a baby doll... its hard to believe that this little jewel had a stroke when she was born and had a hole in her heart and some other health issues...

 Bradley is not the best at sharing toys... he is so sweet about taking them however... cause he gives kisses and a pat on the head then snatches and runs....

 Mal loved the worm... she giggled and laughed

 then Becca got on and we laughed... and laughed some more...

 Bradley laughed too... because we were laughing .... and we all know he can not be left out of the laugh fest.

 then he had to have a turn on the worm... Mal was trying to figure out how he gets around so fast... she does not know it but shes a very fast crawler and soon will take off walking too...

 Bradley was a bit jealous for a second when mommy picked Mal up... so he climbed up and gave Mal a kiss... my darn camera is too slow to catch him often.  He is really missing Halo he searches for her several times a day... it makes me cry....GAH.

 Cory... cheesed for me...

 Cory was pulling faces and blowing to make Malorie laugh... she was not positive about this BIG wild child in the floor rolling around playing with Bradley... they get a bit rough...and LOUD!

 then Bradley got some piggy rides ... he says MOE MOE MOE MOE... of course meaning more more more LOL

it is interesting ... that my kids friends still come to see us... and spend the day playing ... and make plans to come back soon....yet we are the worst parents on the planet... according to... OK I stop.... GAH

Speaking of... The school counselor called em this morning said Martha was at school taking a make up test (the last day of school was Thursday) and at 1 pm was graduation practice... we did not know until 1:19 that Martha had passed the test and would be graduating... the counselor called me crying... Martha has no clue how much effort has been put in to her graduating by others...but hopefully SOMEDAY...

I am of mixed emotions... it is very bittersweet... I have been doing everything I could to help her to reach this goal... only to be shut out in the last week...and even when trying to tell her how glad I am and congratulate her I ended up with 7 texts all about how she won't get this that and the other like her cousins and brother... she has no clue the work and time that went into planning their graduation parties...and no clue how wrong she is on some other things she threw up at me trying to make me feel badly... it did not work it just made me sad to see how immature she still is... BUT, I am so glad, grateful, happy, proud that she is getting that piece of paper that means so much in the world ... even though it is getting harder and harder to get a job even with it... it is the one chance and hope that one day when she needs it it is there!!!!

anyway pray all goes well at the graduation as Schlena and Becca and Mal and Iare going... and we don't want any drama with the sperm donor... it would be so shameful....
Happy weekend to you all...God Bless.

When I am in pain I ....

Clean... I watch the show hoarders and get physically ill at the horror...I guess in some ways I am totally opposite.  I  throw things out.  and, please dont get me wrong I have STUFF that I have had since I was a child and some of it I simply can not get rid of... and my house is FAR FAR from Immaculate in fact it stays a dusty mess very lived in and even when I do clean with in a day it is dusty again... ode to the perils of living on a dirt road.

But several times a year I deep clean EVERYTHING... Each item has to be dusted washed emptied moved around inspected and cleaned thats inside cabinets outside walls doors floors cracks crevaces valances  washed everything inventoried ect... its obsessive in some ways and it takes at least a week to get it all done. 

Usually I start in my room but today the kitchen got it.

I would imagine that we are probably one of the only crazy families with TWO coffee pots that are used each day.

we make no less than three pots of coffee a day. Michaels Big pot is made each morning, then I make my little pot, and in the evening another big pot full.

Bradley wanted to help me while I was washing down the fridge and freezer so I finally put him on the counter because working and holding him just does not work.

 Needless to say he pitched a fit when I made him  get down, but he got side tracked a bit later...

 When ever he is quiet of course he is up to something... we have been starting potty training...and he has discovered little Bradley... and like his daddy before him... he has alot to learn about AIM.

 But HE is so DARN CUTE about it all that it is impossible to get upset.

 yeah I know someday when he is a teen and discovers my blog... I will be in BIG TROUBLE! lol

 But when you have such awesome subject matter ... what can you do???

 and like all MALES in this family he has to work on EVERYTHING and try to figure out how it works...
I was hunting the camera when he had it upside down and was "working" on the bubble mower.

 He kept working on it for quite some time....and it still does not work.

I wish I had the camera out when it was nap time... he came to me with his pillow pet my blankie and his cuppie saying "night night" then trotted off to my room to get in my bed and nap.

 I bought this wall hanging years ago on one of my trips to Hannibal, I love it...

My cookbook collection is growing...and Michael said when it covers the entire counter then I have to stop LOL... HA HA we shall see....it is over half full now.

I had to giggle and realise that I have allowed one MOUSE in my house.... if you look at the bottom of the red heart the push pin is a yellow mouse :)

well 1/4th of the great room is done ... Bradley and I will tackle more tomorrow... and We know we have alot more to get done!
Have a great day, till we meet again God bless you.