Thursday, January 27, 2011

WHOA, where has the week gone?

it has been a crazy crazy week in so many ways.
the other night I made fried chicken, whipped potatos and sprouts, I dont fry chicken very often but, it was delish.
 Martha is back in school, I have probably mentioned that a few times, and I have Halo each day,  the school has put into enforcement stricter regulations on tardies.  this is a good thing but, very hard on Martha.

someone in the christian group I am in on facebook  posted this today...

Our task in this world as children of God is reconciliation. Wherever we go we see divisions among people; in families, communities, cities, and nations. All these divisions are tragic reflections of our separation from God. The truth that all people belong together as members of one family under God is hardly visible. Our task through Christ is to reveal this truth in the context and reality of everyday life.
this is very much in line with the book I am still reading about BOUNDARIES. (thank you little sister person )  It talks about how we need to set the correct boundaries and how when those boundaries are set correctly that we will be healthy, and happy, and following the word of God. 
Man, My boundaries are so messed up.   We all learn boundaries from the time we are born and then apply what we have learned as adults to our lives.  and since becoming a part of the World wide web, and meeting so many different and diverse people I have learned that we ALL have some sort of disfunction or boundary issues.  Some are much worse than others of course and many are dysfunctional due to society as a whole.
Needless to say I have been doing some serious soul searching and trying to figure out how to "FIX" my boundaries in order to help fix the relationships I have with people in my life.  I am very much guilty of wanting to live my life, a redo if you will, through my kids.... Wanting them to have all I never had to be all I never was and most of all wanting them to see and understand the hows and whys of it all... and thats messed up...
and in thinking this through I realise that I  messed up my chance (because i did not know any better) when they were young to do it "right the first time" and now I am having to work 10 times as hard to correct things now when they are for all purposes grown and on their own with their own kids to screw up royally.
I reckon this is called hind sight in many languages but, the difference is I want to change ME and MY issues and in turn HELP SHOW them how they can change theirs, to be better people to bring together a family that is broken apart and to teach Badley and Halo the right ways from the start, so they dont have to go through the insecurities and losses and BS that we have  put our selves through.
I have realised that, I can blame my parents for what they taught me. HOWEVER, It is now  my responsibility to take the responsibility for what I have chosen to do or not do and rest it right where it belongs... ON ME.  Because in the big scheme of things it is ultimately my responsibility to do what I need to do to be that healthy happy Child of God that i want to be.  Hopefully in doing so they will SEE more than they ever HEAR and decide for themselves that they WANT what I have and are willing to do whatever it takes to achieve that in their lives.
Does that mean that I think I am better than or have more than or am anywhere near where I want to be in this life... NO it absolutely does not, it means, that i am working for, trying to change, attempting to achieve what GOD wants for me and has planned for me.  I learned YEARS ago that being selfish is not a bad thing but somehow i missed where that needed to be applied.  I learned that there are good and bad in all things and in all people and that what they choose to do with that is totally up to them. 
I am learning that I can not change others no matter HOW much I may want to... MARTHA I AM SPEAKING TO YOU HERE .... I have learned that the road to being happy is often very rough and hard tough decisions have to be made and that I can not help you until I help myself FIRST.   so what i am saying is IF YOU believe that you and Halo deserve better then it is up to YOU to do what it takes to make it better.  Thats not to say that I will not go overboard to help you and halo but it is to say that I can not make your decisions for you and I can not take responsibility for the choices and decisions you have made in your life... you have to do that.
and since my darling halo is waking up I have to cut this bit of wisdom short, ponder things i am and have learned and figure out how to apply them in my life... and i will be returning to this subject as I continue to read and absorb more truths...
In the mean time Bradley is such a sweet boy and actually for the most part dealing really well with sharing grandma,  I am working very hard to teach him boundaries that are the correct boundaries that I did not teach his daddy when he was dealing with a new baby in the house (because i was NOT equipped with them myself to teach him)  He is very interested in Halo and when I am holding her, feeding her, burping her changing her he is very close by and very involved in all that goes on.  He spends alot of time cuddleing me when she is in my arms and he loves looking at her almost as much as she appears to love looking at him.  I noticed yesterday that she is much more attentive when he is here, she follows him with her eyes and even reaches (even though she is not aware that is what she is doing) out towards him. 
He is a bit rough at times but that is simply because he does not have the fine motor skills to control his little body when it comes to patting her on the back or rubbing her head or holding her hand.... But, unlike his dad instead of telling him NO or pushing him away I am working on helping him learn those skills he needs to be a close interacting part in her life.  It will do them both alot of good in the long run. :)
He is also loving the swing, he loved it when he was itty and he may have a bit of trouble sharing it with Halo, but its all good as she gets swing time when he is not here with us.
 he stayed in the swing for nearly 3 hours yesterday (not all at once but an hour here and hour there) he spent a good half hour in it after his momma got here to get him, he did not want to leave grandma yesterday and  had a fit when it was time to go, I half tricked him by telling him we would go bye bye he let me put his coat on and put mine on but when we went to the car and not the van... oh dear.
he can reach the floor and was pushing himself as fast and high as he wanted to go... the most funny to me... yeah i am twisted i know, was when he wanted to get in by himself and would back up to the seat then miss and sit on the floor... HYSTERICAL... it takes little to amuse me ya know.... I wish i could take pics while holding Halo so you could see what I am typing about... she is laying across my arms watching the ceiling fan as i type half asleep and smiling, she has the cutest darn smile whoops the eyes are rolling shes going to fall asleep soon....
and while I am thinking about it... there are TWO special ladies who apparently think very much alike, I dont think they follow each others but I have met them both through blogging and now we are friends on facebook.... on monday there was a box on my front porch, it had TWO of the newborn size HALO Sleep swaddlers (i had bought one before she was born for her and one for bradley hers is a million times too big but was the smallest they had)  anyway took a bit of questioning to figure out Ann had sent them to halo... she loves them she is in one now :)   THANK YOU ANN!!!!!!  then yesterday another package came with a larger HALO sleep sack that  will get alot of use later THANK YOU HALLIE!!!! and so now we have every size from newborn up to 3 t YAHOO, I SHOULD have invented these as they are FANTASTIC .... however we have a little girl person here who does not believe in back sleeping... she will ROLL over to her stomach with all her twisting and turnings.... so we are rolling recieveing blankets to put on each side to stop her... or at least slow her down.

Anyway I have a date with Cory and Bradley and Halo later today, gonna take Cory to lunch for his Birthday (a bit late) he turned 23 on the 18th OH MY GOD where did my baby go??? WHEN??? HOW??? have the years flown by so fast.... SIGH HAPPY Thursday to you all and GOD BLESS :)


MJ said...

my goodness-not exactly positive where what was meant for started and where it stopped...however, im glad at your epiphony. or realization or whatever you wanna call it. sorry i throw so much in your face...i dont mean any harm. thanks for helping too-sometimes its just too overwhelming.
anyways...enjoy lunch with cory and the babies.
love and broken bones and hearts

longhair5 said...

Laura you are the best gramma EVER! Life throws us enough curveballs to teach us lessons, but we will never learn them all before it's over.

I am also living through the inadequacies of my youth and observing the consequences of all of the mistakes I made with my children when they were small.

You are right that we can change no one but ourselves! Kudos to you for realizing this and using your newfound wisdom in your approach to the present (and future). I hope I will be as wonderful a gramma someday as you are.

My best to you and all the family,

Bluebird49 said...

Oh Laura--it's always so refreshing to read your posts. Your honesty and your determination to be a better person instead of a bitter person is so apparent. I'm going to have to read this book, "Boundaries" and see where it takes me.

There are a lot of loving , caring people in the world, and I do believe that you are one of them. It would be great if we came out of the womb with all this knowledge, but it has to be experienced and learned, sometimes over and over again---to really make us mature (in Christ); that's something I don't really feel right now.

Halo and Bradley will thank you, and see a different Grammy than their parents saw in their mom--not your fault--we all have to learn and grow. We all wanted our kids to have better than we, but most of us went about it completely "bass-ackards", as my daddy used to say. They need structure, they need discipline....and too often, it's something that takes more time than we want to put in to give them that. Isn't it great to always have a second chance??

Anonymous said...

Laura, you are right when you said every family has dysfunction. I think that how we rise above our dysfunction is what makes it all ok.....

Lead by example. Your little kiddos will watch and learn.

Paxie said...

Excellent post Ms. Peach! It will take time but I know you can do it. I'm working on some of the same issues up here. We'll persevere!!

Debbie in CA : ) said...

That chicken made my stomach growl! (Can you hear it?) This is such a REAL blog. Reaching out and hanging out and calling out -- that's what Laura's all about (Love you for it).

I will keep you in prayer because we're TOO FAR APART to get together for a cuppa tea and a laugh/hug session. Keep laughing as you navigate all these changes. Life is just a series of changes and the truly blessed laugh and celebrate and live through the tears and troubles.

Making changes from one generation to the next is HARD, but well worth it. Keep up the good work. Keep setting those priorities. I think you are doing a GREAT JOB melting Halo into the mix with Grandma and Bradley.

I'm prayin!


Bluebird49 said...

Had to come back---when you said:
"Because in the big scheme of things it is ultimately my responsibility to do what I need to do to be that healthy happy Child of God that i want to be."

I had been thinking I want the very same thing for me, and for my family.

lil sister said...

glad you like the book. i had a feeling you would. don't forget there is a workbook too :) it has been rather helpful as well.

love you!