Monday, February 7, 2011

clarification of abandonment

a·ban·don

1 [uh-ban-duhn]
–verb (used with object)
1.
to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert: to abandon one's farm; to abandon a child; to abandon a sinking ship.
2.
to give up; discontinue; withdraw from: to abandon a research project; to abandon hopes for a stage career.
3.
to give up the control of: to abandon a city to an enemy army.
4.
to yield (oneself) without restraint or moderation; give (oneself) over to natural impulses, usually without self-control: to abandon oneself to grief.
5.
Law . to cast away, leave, or desert, as property or a child.
6.
Insurance . to relinquish (insured property) to the underwriter in case of partial loss, thus enabling the insured to claim a total loss.
7.
Obsolete . to banish.

Oh where to begin this post... HA guess i have already begun? began? STARTED it haven't I?
Today, in the midst of a ummmm what started as a conversation, and ended in ... well hell i am not sure what exactly it ended in or if it has even ended.... but anyway in the midst of it Martha Jean informed me that Her father and I abandonded her.... REALLY??? SERIOUSLY??? when ??? how can we abandon you when we were the over protective, demanding, mean, controlling people you say we are?  
lets address each definition and see where we abandoned you...  

1.
to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert: to abandon one's farm; to abandon a child; to abandon a sinking ship.
to leave.... we have been here at 832 for 24 years.... you are 19... nope we have not left.   to forsake... ummm nope again.... desert... we do NOT agree with the choices you have made in life since the night you came home and announced to us that you were leaving our home our protection our lives to go fly on your own... oh excuse me ... to ROAR cause you are woman and you are a major now.  so NOPE no desert here.

2.
to give up; discontinue; withdraw from: to abandon a research project; to abandon hopes for a stage career.

to give up... well in words I say I have given up but reality is nope I have not given up on you. cause IF i give up on you then I WILL dissassociate myself from you and never have anything to ever do with you again... you will then be dead to me.  and, seeing as how I love you even when I dont really like you much... I just dont see that ever happening.  do you realise how lucky you are?
i nor, your father have not totally given up on you, we have not discontinued to try to help you and I have not withdrawn from you, to some extent your dad has withdrawn from you because he loves you enough to say nothing instead of being like me and continuing to speak to someone who is not going to listen or believe anything he has to say. 


3.
to give up the control of: to abandon a city to an enemy army.

HEY WE MAY HAVE SOMETHING HERE!!!!!! at the age of 18 I certianly have given up some of the control of you!!!  At the age of 18 under the LAWS of our country you are now considered an ADULT and you are then IN THE EYES OF THE LAW considered responsible for your actions and decisions and HOPEFULLY in the previous 18 years I have given you the tools and knowledge to live your life as a productive citizen.  I honestly dont believe I HAVE ANY CONTROL over you HOWEVER, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU I WILL ALWAYS VOICE MY OPINIONS AND WILL TELL YOU WHAT I THINK and as AN ADULT you should be able to accept that, especially when YOU are the one who starts the conversation or brings up a subject....yes I realise i can be harsh and cold and downright mean... Sorry I called you a bitch but if the shoe fits... when i was younger than you I was taught to be true to myself and I wont change that part of me for anyone. sorry.

4.
to yield (oneself) without restraint or moderation; give (oneself) over to natural impulses, usually without self-control: to abandon oneself to grief.

I think people in our family calls this a MELTDOWN... I dont think it applies to this situation any more... I had my meltdowns over you right after you chose to leave home at 18 years and one day short of one month old. I cried myself to sleep for many nights and worried about what who and where you were, and if you were ok and going to be ok ect.  then I decided that HOPEFULLY I had given you the right tools and the right beliefs and the right belief in yourself that you would just have to deal with the consequences of your decisions and that I would be here to help in any way I can.

5.
Law . to cast away, leave, or desert, as property or a child.

again... nope has not happened
6.
Insurance . to relinquish (insured property) to the underwriter in case of partial loss, thus enabling the insured to claim a total loss.

you are not a car that has been wrecked and has to be given over to the insurance company in order to recieve the settlement check... so again... no has not happened.  and I STILL dont  see you as a total loss. 

7.
Obsolete . to banish.

ummmm no you have not been banished from my life my home my heart my mind or my soul... and i cant imagine anything in life that you could do that would cause that... but, that does not give you the right to try to push my boundaries and test me at ever damn turn.  cause you see i think at times that the reason you are such a bitch to me and you carry on the ways you do to me is because deep down in your soul you know that no matter what I will always love you... but again... dont push too hard it is not worth it.  you need to remember that I come from THREE  of the coldest hardest women alive (dads present wife is NOT included in the three)... and they taught me well, it has been one hell of a struggle and tons of work for your dad to break through my walls and for me to change what I WAS TAUGHT by my MOTHERS!~

and since this is so freakin ludacrus I can't even be mad...but NEVER EVER try that stupid crap on me again... you are not nor have you ever been abandoned dear daughter of mine. I do what I do for you, and for Halo because I WANT to and that is THE ONLY reason I do them.  NO ONE has forced me to do anything I did not want to and no one will ever. 
YOU are very wrong to accuse me and your dad of TRYING to take Halo from her father and you, we have not ever nor will we ever unless there is  one hell of a good reason and proof that she needs to be taken from you.  DOES THAT MEAN that I will always agree with what you do  or how you do it... NOPE but voicing my opinion to you does not constitute what you are accusing ...
 
AS for your "feelings" and your 'what about you" statement... I care and I am concerned but, my hands are tied I can only do so much to help you and for what its worth there is only so much I am even willing to do.  YOU have to grow up and be the adult you want everyone to see you as and to take responsibility for your actions and decisions... in the bible it is called accountability.  you want to be 19 a senior in high school and free to do what ever you want when you are not in school or working, yet you chose to have a baby and now you are a mommy who is 100% responsible for another life and weather you understand this yet or not ... you OWE her the very best you can give her and do for her and BOTH you and Mike have to realise and understand that. 
 
Do you understand that the freedom you so desired is not free and when you have someone who is totally dependant on you that the noose of responsibility gets tighter and you have even less freedom than ever?  I have told you forever that I have wanted things and to do things and because I chose to have kids many of those I could not do... but I decided it was more important for you and your brother to have and do than for me to have and do.  AND I DO NOT REGRET ONE SECOND OF THAT DECISION.  TODAY I CHOOSE to do for my grand kids and to do without things I could be doing or have because in my 43 stupid years I have learned that PEOPLE are so much more important than those things and that TIME goes by too fast and way too soon those people are grown and off on their own to fly or fall as they see fit. 
 
and like the mess that started this all I am not sure how to end it so am just gonna end with this... I love you daughter you are the brightest light with the most potential of anyone I have ever seen... so please be true to YOU.
 


13 comments:

jojo said...

Oh my..MJ you are a lucky, blessed woman. Listen to your mama, she loves you more than life and needs you to hear that and respect it and her.
Well said Peach...love you!

Chris H said...

Guess what MJ?
You are an adult now.
You CHOOSE the path you have taken .
Your parents NEVER EVER abandoned you.
YOU need to grow up and take responsibility for YOUR decisions and not try and BLAME your parents when things don't go the way you want now.

Get over it. You made your bed, you bloody lie in it.... never a truer saying in my opinion.

I am sure your POOR PARENTS will always be there for you... they would NEVER ABANDON YOU ... so stop trying to blame them for YOUR DECISIONS.

Pffffft.

Hang in there Laura... one day she will really grow up and maybe even thank you.

OR maybe not.

{{{hugs||| TO LAURA AND MIKE.... and a kick up the bum for MJ.

Paxie said...

Yes, this one would have upset me too. No way have you ever abandoned her or her brother.

MJ...get your act together, appreciate your parents and please show some respect. Life is tough but one thing you can always count on is your Mom. Don't abuse that.

Laura~peach~ said...

mj... Halo took 6 oz and conked back out... maybe she will get into a good pattern of sleeping and eating :) Hope you have a good day... and "tea cakes"
Love momma

Alice said...

I think as MJ grows more comfortable in her role as a momma she is really going to see what her own mother has done for her all these years. You can't truly appreciate all the sacrifices a parent makes for you until you have to make them yourself. It is not an easy job, but it is so worthwhile.

MJ - there are a bunch of us out here rooting for you. Just know in your toughest moments, there is someone holding you up in prayer.

Caution Flag said...

I think Miss MJ is on the verge of some major postive changes. She's got the right mom and dad as role models, and she has the right daughter as motivation.

Just like your parents, MJ, I can't wait to see the woman you become :)

jmj said...

i had left a couple comments when i decided to hijack and delete them-unlike you- id rather this be private-but you havent ever understood the validity of privacy...

Laura~peach~ said...

unlike you ... I will talk in private... you decide to run...and not talk. so... I make it public... tis up to you now... as we sit here and you dont speak to me.

Bluebird49 said...

Oh Laura--wait it out--she will speak to you--probably more than you want to hear! ;) She needs you, and you and she both know it. There are times to apologize, and there are times to be apologized to. You're reading 'Boundaries'--you'll know which time this is!!

There are times to hold fast--and times to give in. You know which this is.

We are, as Christians, taught to try and be like our Father--loving, forgiving---but He--in Truth-- always must be just, too. I know you already know this--'cause you're my sister in Christ. At times, His tough love is the only thing that makes us listen and realize what is best for us.

I know you're terrbily hurt, and for that, I'm truly sorry!

Praying for all of you!!

In the Heart of Happy said...

Hmmm...MJ, maybe you could be like me and have your mother delete you from her life because she did not approve of your choices.

Maybe then you will realize what a spolied ass you are acting like.

It's NOT about YOU anymore. It's about your daughter.

You have a great mother...one who cares. Don't lose that by acting like a brat.

TSannie said...

Hey there, MJ and Mike...it's ALL about Halo!

Tiggeriffic said...

My sister is having a problem with her son, Mike who is 41 years old ~ single~ and always wanted things to be prefect before he got married.. Now he has blamed his mom for not getting married and he won't talk with her. I told her to always keep the door open. Send him cards with cheerful :) smiles. I think when someone like this does the blaming game they eventually wake up and realize what they have done. If the other person, like my sister keeps the door open then it will be easier someday when they want to come back. MJ is just having a hard time right now, pressures of life are upon her and her thinking is not clear. Easier to blame someone else and unfortunetly it's you and your husband. Sometimes we just try to be so helpful and it backfires on us.. Keep Strong ~ and know I will be praying for you and for MJ.
ta ta for now...

Angela said...

I love you daughter you are the brightest light with the most potential of anyone I have ever seen... so please be true to YOU.

I LOVED this statement...I'm speaking this over all three of my kids....That my sons and my daughter will be true to themselves and realize what a bright light they really are...and can be world changers...