thank you all...

for so many things...
comments, calls, texts, reading between the lines.... holding me up when I can't hold myself.

it seems that it is all or nothing in my world at all times...

either it's calm and I feel somewhat bored if that is possible....

or it is utter chaos and usually in a negative way and I can't begin to put into words exactly what I am thinking and feeling ... but  look out I am fixen to try to address many things happening in my world today...

this is purely me putting my thoughts down and be warned I may slide off into a pity party or two or twelve...I might even melt down (ok private joke in there somewhere) but know in the end I am simply sorting my mind out and handing a whole bunch of stuff over to God ... cause ... he can and I can't.

1st.  as much as I don't want to address this topic, as much as I promised I would let it ride and see where it goes I can't because with all the other crap in life I feel this is the most important because it is something that can be if not fixed at least be made better.

MARTHA JEAN... I know you have convinced yourself or Mike has convinced you of some things that simply are not true... I know you get mad when I air our "dirty Laundry" but damn it I don't have any other way of reaching you.
so Let me clear them up  as simply and plainly as I can.
1. We do love you... even when so damn mad at you for doing what we asked/told you not to under all the yelling screaming cussing we still love you.  NEVER forget that and NEVER believe otherwise.
2. We DO love Halo and DO want you BOTH in our lives.  HOW CAN YOU BELIEVE that we don't after I kept her for you and you saw your dad with her... YOU KNOW the TRUTH even if it is easier to deny it... so tell people what ever you want but the lie of us not wanting her in our lives because of race is BULLSHIT.  sorry but that's not gonna fly.
3. WE DO NOT want Mike in our lives for anything, anytime, ever again... and don't spew the crap of he was not given a chance ... HE WAS given a chance to show WHO he is and WHAT he believes in... and HE DID just that... and he is not the kind of person we want in our lives or world. 
4. When you CHOOSE to or NEED to ... I will always be here... that is totally up to you. I will not force you or try to influence your choices in any way. you are grown and have to live with the consequences of your decisions.
 I did have to tell your grandmother that you do not live here anymore but for Halos sake I did not tell her about her... and I have no plans of it ever and you know why.
I reserve the right to readdress this in the future as no matter how much others think I should or common sense tells me that I should, I simply can not ever totally give up on you ... my daughter, my child, my heart.


MY MOTHER.
HARUMP... Drives me NUTS... Is a pain in the butt... Health is about the same... love her but, cant deal with her selfishness and desire to control or belittle me. 


Losing Kerrie... tears... and more tears ... and more.... so much more... because as the realisation of what all she ment in my life hit me smack between the eyes...the loss is so HUGE...
lemmie see if I can even begin to explain...
she was my niece through my husband ...
she was my shopping buddy...she tried so hard to keep me in some semblance of style HA HA.
my swimming buddy...we were taking the kids, you know it was not because we love to go swimming...right?
My movie companion,video renter/ loaner/ reviewer ( I still have a stack of her movies)
my spur of the moment Arbys and Krystal's and any number of other places to go people watch ,eat and laugh, throw peanut shells at the kids, buddy...
she was the one person besides Martha who would play games... yahtzee, farkle, phase 10, cards, dice, you name it and it was always a hoot especially if I happened to win cause she was the worst loser and it would make me laugh so hard.... she would SCREAM, Pout, refuse to play again for a month...
she kept me learning how to use my phone and was working on me getting a smart phone so she would be able to teach me how to use it...
my middle of the night texting ....during the day when the rest of the world is working...
person I could talk to about anything, Laugh with, cry with, work with ...connection to my husbands family...

Thursday when Bradley and I went to see her we talked about all the things we were going to do this summer... because she knew how raw my heart is and she knew that Her, Savannah, and Brenner would be a wonderful salve to help keep me from bleeding out...she was not supposed to go like this... not now... ok so I am selfish... NOT FREAKIN EVER... because I need her in my life.
Excuse me while I melt down a while....
ok I think I can see again...and believe it or not that does not begin to touch who Kerrie was to me.


My sister... Has had crap happen to her that SO CALLED FAMILY ... should not ever do. Eventually she will be leaving Mo. and coming here to stay for a while and getting back on her feet... but it appals me when not only family but supposed CHRISTIANS do the things they do... it just makes no darn sense to me.

And there is our Badley boy... who is a ball of energy and with his parents schedules right now we don't get to JUST be grandparents... which is ok... but at times can be overwhelming and takes some of the total enjoyment from us.  BUT all it takes is that BIG whole body smile to make that all ok....

Speaking of Bradley... Cory and Stephanie got him a cat for his birthday... Poor kitty... well since then Cory has had some huge respiratory issues and finally went to the Dr Saturday afternoon... to find that he is allergic to the cat and it has his asthma flaring up bad and a lung infection... GAH so the kitty has to go.... and I think I told some of you that last week Cory hit a cat, he tried to miss it and it still caught his car... and of course died... well last night three little itty bitty half starved kittens turned up here... I am 99% sure they were hers... I got two of them to eat last night the third was too scared and bit my finger... poor critter.... I saw the two this afternoon hiding in the corner when I was unloading the van... they are calico's and female... and must find homes but have to be able to hold and pet them a bit better before that can happen... they are wild as was their momma. 

we have lived her 24 years and people seem to think that our dirt road is the place to dump unwanted animals... it is not!!!!!!! GAH  I really dislike people who dump animals....

Anyway... I managed to get 99% of my shopping done (I always manage to miss something even with my darn lists) so I see a trip back to the store in a day or so... cause we can NOT live without our coffee :)

if you have read this far... BLESS YOUR HEART... I hope you have a wonderful week and thank you again for being here and keeping us in your prayers and thoughts.