Wednesday, February 29, 2012

29th day of Feb.

today was my godfathers birthday.... hes been gone from earth a long time... but i always think of him at the end of February especially. 

Halo is 14 months old today,  and today is the day her parents are leaving to go to Florida to find a place to live.  Halo is staying with grandma  until they come back for her.  

Today, the last 3 months have totallycaught up with me and  kicked my ass I cant wake up and get functioning...

If this mess with my eye has been caused by STRESS which is entirely possible according to my dr's...

 I am doomed because there is no end to the stress in my life and it seems to me that it could find a different way to manifest itself in me... like WHY CANT I BE ONE TO LOSE A TON OF WEIGHT WHEN STRESSED???
geee no, not me nothing that wonderful could happen... I go freakin blind in one eye.

 to answer someone who asked, could this have anything to do with increased blood sugars?   according to ALL 5 Drs.  the answer is NO absolutely not, there is nothing in the pathology and presentation of my eye other than being unable to see that even comes close to diabetic retinopathy. 

so In some  ways I am totally greatful that that is their answer. 

there is STILL the possibility that I will regain some vision but, the longer this goes on and the lack of change in my field of vision the less hopeful that I become.  It is really hard to explain but the bits I can see I now can see  20/20 with my glasses on...that is IMPROVEMENT! but, there is still an incredable amount that I simply can not see.  

the flashes and what not Dr Capps suggested could be the dead nerves trying to reconnect ... so that is a possibility that i have not considered and hope that she is correct in that guess and that somday they will reconnect and i will regain full vision.  

in the mean time bradley and Halo will both be here soon and my house is a wreck since martha came last night to go through stuff and get it ready to gowith her when they find somewhere to live.  so I must leave the computer and get busy even though all i really want to do is go  back to bed.

Love hugs and God bless you and keep you until we meet again.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Its sunday already..

where does my time go???

well yesterday Michael decided to go ahead and rip out the bed frames he built for the kids 8 years ago ... seems like it was much longer ago but Martha was 12 when she stayed in Missouri while Cory and I came back home and we did their rooms HERS was a surprise for her.  

They served their purpose and I am grateful that all they entailed is now gone and burning in the burn hole this morning.  

Martha told me last night that they have decided to leave halo here with us while they move and find a place to live, which makes me feel the slightest bit better over this move. they are leaving Wednesday night I hate the idea of them moving not so much because of the move its self but  because there is so much that I see that needed to be done before the move life things BIG things that I am pretty sure wont happen at least not anytime soon and because of those decisions Martha is making some areas of her life harder on herself than it needs to be BUT, I can not make her choices for her and she wont talk to me or believe me when I try to talk to her about them so I don't talk about them anymore.

I just hope that they can do what they need to do and find a place and a reliable trustworthy sitter for Halo before they come back to get her.

I told mother about Martha moving, of course she has no clue about Halo or Mike for that matter so all mother can do is say well you know what it felt like for me when you left home.  I just agree with her and go on about my business as the two situations don't come close to comparing... but that's a whole nother book in and of itself. 

I had something really special and sweet happen this week, am not too sure how to begin to explain it so I will simply say THANK YOU to the person who did it... don't know if you will ever see this as I don't know who you are and that's cool too :o) 

and now I really must get away from this computer and  get things sorted and put away after tearing the two small bedrooms apart yesterday before Bradley comes this afternoon,   and I must go to the grocery store... anyone want to do that chore for me... I really hate the grocery store!

Love hugs and thank you all who stick by me encouraging me to carry on and putting up with my ebb and flow of blogging.  God bless you and keep you till we meet again!

Friday, February 24, 2012

Hold your ears .....

I may have to scream...

I can't even begin to explain what I am thinking and feeling right this second...

I guess that need to admit that I want to be in control, not because I know better but, damn it I am 44 I have moved across the country I have been there done that and I do have some freaking smarts and common sense. 

I DO know and realise that this part of my life is totally out of control and out of my control BUT, I am the queen of the easier softer way... really ...

how come it is that we can look and see what would be so much easier, what needs to be done and how to do it... when it is NOT our life!   ok when its our kids and we HAVE to let them F up their lives to sink or swim or what ever the saying of the day may be....

It is insanely hard to take that step back and say, NO! sorry I cant help you do this, I can't stop you and I won't even try but DAMN I see the train wreck comming and It's driving me NUTS knowing that it will effect helpless babies who have no what happens in their lives.   

Ok, so if you hear a LOT of screaming from the south east of the US just know its me and That I will be ok because I know deep in my soul that God is in control and I am not.  *knowing this does not make it any easier however*  

if you have read this far... Bless your heart!  

welp just got a phone call of a friend in need so got to go see what i can do to help her..

Friday, February 17, 2012

Saturday, February 11, 2012

we have a toddler...

who loves to dance with papa..
 and toddle at least 50 miles a day around the house,
 and to see how much THEY can drag out to play with in a short amount of time...
 lordy what a martha jean look she has here... she is her mothers baby....
 and those lovely squeezy legs ...
He mother says that they are moving to Florida soon.... and I realised I have not been taking pics thanks to my eye being my camera eye... so decided to charge up the battery and get some pics because I am sure I will not deal so well with them being 8 hours away...Stephanie is working a couple jobs now so Bradley is here Sunday through Wednesday and halos been here Thursday through Saturday...

I went to the eye dr this week,  my vision is 20/20 in the areas that i can see... and nothing of course in the areas that i can not... the dr still is not so sure that cat scratch fever is the cause and has some other thoughts up his sleeve... he said the swelling is SLIGHTLY less ... and we will see in time if "the damage has been done" or if there will be any return of the missing sight.   

Week ago i went to the endocrine dr as my blood sugars have been elevated , we don't know yet if it is because of the infection or it the beast is making a return ... so am on glucophage again, and it is coming down to close to normal already...

I go back to the infectious disease dr, not next week but the week after ... so will see where things are then ... still taking azithromycin 600 mg every day along with vit D and Zinc as they were super low ... iron, protein, B12, things that normally bottom out in me were all actually really good... anyway have a zillion things i need to be doing and accomplishing but it appears that they are only happening in my mind right now,  but hopefully soon I can make them materialize....

anyway just wanted tocheck in... hope you are allwell I did READ all your blogs but did not comment onthem all... love hugs and God bless you and keep you till we meet again.