Tuesday, July 26, 2011

thoughts from a mind thats probably too little to be left out to play alone....

I have not posted much lately... well not much that is really bouncing around in my head... So I have decided to let it out to play a bit and to mush it though my fingers onto the keyboard and see where it comes out.

I will probably piss off a few people in my life who read my blog but, that wont be a first either...

1st.  thanks dad for calling this morning it was good to hear your voice... some times I  really hate not being close enough to just go have coffee with you.  even though I would not change a single thing in OUR lives and OUR road that we have traveled sometimes 770 miles is just too damn much. 

2nd.  Michael has been working his butt off on a major project out side and it is coming together very nicely... I keep meaning to go out and take pics to show you all the progress but have fallen very short in my photo skill games...
speaking of outside... the three baby fish... who we, ok I named 2, Michael named one.... Tom Sawyer, Huck Finn and Racer are growing like little weeds they  are darting about the pond like crazy and sometimes I catch the bigger fish especially Lucky chasing them... tom and huck tend to hang out together and racer who is quite a bit bigger than they tends to hang alone at times....but I digress....or perhaps deviate from whats really bouncing around in my head dying to get out....

3. We have gotten to see Halo a couple times and are really enjoying her being back around... she might be here this evening, I am just not sure as I have not heard back from Martha yet on that... speaking of which...  let me go take something from the freezer for supper...be right back.  Ok, looks like it will be chicken and rice and some lima beans on the side... and I have another bushel of corn to process today as Michael brought another home last night... he said that the farmer said things are ending for the spring crops we have a half a bushel of speckled butter beans coming and some onions and seems like something else... also a bit later in the summer we have collards, mustard, and turnip greens to look forward to... :) 

back to Martha... and Halo... am not really sure of what the dynamic here is as I don't really get to talk to Martha about anything of any real importance it is so very sad to me that the young woman who once was my best friend, closest running buddy, daughter, heart, is physically pretty close by but, is totally gone from my life... sometimes the pain totally over whelms me... I cant help but wonder if she ever misses me and the lives we used to have...I cant help but wonder when and where things went so very off that it has come to this and if it will ever come close to what it was?   I guess that in this situation I am lost somewhere in the stages of grief as its like a death but not quite because it is something that has no end so it is more like a terminal illness you know its always lurking somewhere waiting to come out and kick you in the nose so some days the pain is less yet, the fear is always hanging about and the self preservation and heart protection kicks in and you shield yourself from it... if that makes any sense to anyone other than me then... God help ...

3. Cory and Stephanie are struggling, Both are in school and both work... Stephanie's job keeps cutting her hours when she needs them the most, their budget is shot to hell and back and the stress on both is pretty ugly... they are worn out with the hours and work it takes being a parent to a wild energy filled 2 year old whom none of us would take billions for.... I know that they can make it through this but, sometimes I do wish I could make things easier for them but, hell ... I can't so I simply do what I can by taking care of Bradley  4 days and one night a week and when ever else I'm needed to.  

I took Bradley to the wound clinic yesterday for his follow up... it was sort of frustrating as we got there at 1030, his appointment was 11.  the waiting room was packed it holds about 60 people easily ... there was another 2 yr old boy we sat by and those boys played and played and were perfect angels for over an hour until the other little boy was called to the back... then Bradley played all alone for another hour before he got hungry and tired... so he had some cereal and fruit snacks then I had to make him sit on my lap, in a few minutes he had been whispered to sleep... I think there were some adults who were quite amazed at how he goes to sleep for me... but... ever since he was a little guy I have been able to get him tucked in  just right and can whisper /sing a couple specific songs to him and he will conk out... I am not sure if he is just that tired or my singing is just that bad and yes it is that bad.... but it works when he is upset or tired and I am glad.  so eventually at 1 15 they finally called us back and by 130 we were heading out to grab something to eat... we went to sonic and got a double cheese burger and fries and milk for the B man... then off to the pool supplies place as the pool was a bit out of balance.... He was really hungry as he ate 3/4 of that double cheese burger and nearly all of the fries on the way to his other grandmas... we go back in 4 weeks.   they are watching the scar on his head and say his foot is great but not 100% yet.  Bradley wanted the big white bandage but all they gave him was a band aid.

4. Lori, I love my sister... I even really like her most of the time... however, I totally don't understand some stuff and don't know for sure that I even want to.  2 months ago we helped her come live with us.  In our minds it was to be a safe place for her to recover from what ever insanity happened to her in the last 10- 11 months, year... however long it has been... a place to get back on her feet to rediscover who and what she wants and basically just help... however, NOTHING and I do mean NOTHING has been anything like I thought it would be... the sister I knew the sister who lived here before who I talked to often or went years without talking to... is not the same person who came here.  I find that I do not know how to help her... I don't know what to say or to do to help her find herself...and the things happening here make me very uncomfortable, at times, in my own skin. 

Sometimes I see that person whom I knew and enjoyed so much but the vast majority of the time I am not so sure who is staying in my spare room... she and I have talked many times about it and have devised plans on how to make things work but even after making those plans ...nothing happens. little seems to change and I find that so totally well, bizarre and hard to handle.  I could write a book on things... but in the end you would be as confused and lost as I am so I think I might spare you the details... yet maybe typing them out would help me to assess and sort and put them into some logical order however I tend to think that as unnatural and confusing as they are they might become even more jumbled as I don't even know where to frickin begin...besides that, who is it that determines what is natural and normal and right??? is a thing or way of doing things right because that is how the majority does it?? or is that simply conforming to the masses? 

I do know from marrying a man who is 17 years my senior that age does make a difference in how we see and do things... and by being 17 years older than my sister we don't see many things alike...however where is the line on which right and wrong in a situation is determined? 

is there a protocol out there somewhere that tells us what the rules are when living with others?  is there a list of how long you let something be a certain way?  when that time is reached how do you change it to make it more comfortable for all?   How do you take someone who is so lost and confused and set them on a path to fitting in their own skin?  how do you teach an adult something that they did know but have lost somewhere in the process of their life?  how do you set aside the fears that apparently control to a debilitating level of insanity?

 I feel that I know what I would be doing and how I would be acting yet, I know that as alike as we are in some things we are completely different in others and from my own experiences I know that what works for one as a motivation to change or grow is totally different in others...so how can I tell her to do what I would do when I don't know what her end all thoughts are where she wants to be how she wants her life to be because in the end it will not be the same as my life she wont have the friends I have the thoughts the feelings because hell even identical twins are different in some things...

take today for example... she has a couple places to go to see about getting a job, she said they told her from 10 to 2 to come in... IF IT WERE ME... I would have been up and out sitting on their doorsteps at 930 this morning because quite simply I would not give another the chance at getting a job I need so badly... I would use my actions to SHOW the prospective hiring person that I want the job they are offering... you would never find me in bed at 11 39 ... but that's me. 

I am a person who does not accept excuses well, I hear them, I see them and I even make them from time to time I am very flexible in some things and others I find it well to be blunt... disgusting. 

One thing that really bothers me... is that when I need someones help in anything I know that I have to be willing and able to do as much or more than the ones offering help, in helping myself... I do not see my sister even trying to help herself much of the time...I don't know how long she thinks this will continue to go like it is but, Indefinitely,  may have to be something that changes... to maybe motivate hell, I don't know... but one thing I do know is that I can not and am not willing to be the only one trying and the only one putting out the effort to help someone when they should be trying to help themselves.  and being lost and confused only goes so far... I know that my husband will help to a point as well but, eventually that help will be gone because he like me will do anything humanly possible to help anyone as long as that person is helping themselves ...

anyway I have things to get done that I did not get done yesterday as the hospital took much longer than I had hoped and even though I did accomplish much there is always more to get done...

so with all of that brain play being out and about let me gather what is left of my mind and say I hope you all have a wonderful productive day and I really like this line I borrowed from kayola on facebook....

what if you woke up today with only what you thanked God for yesterday? 

12 comments:

Grandma Tillie's Bakery said...

It sounds like you are feeling used...

I have family members like your sister and they do wear on you. Sometimes it's hard not to just ask them to turn around so you can kick them in the butt!

And what's with the sitting in the hospital until 1:00 when your appointment was for 11:00??? Talk about torture!

Tiggeriffic said...

O.k. get on a plane and come quickly to Iowa.. You need some fun time.. The girls are going home today...
I have a friend that has a pool and she lets me use it whenever I want.. It's really nice. They are on vacation so it's just me and the pool and you if you come..
Prayers for you , sometimes family can be such a pains in the butts.
Have a Tiggeriffic day~! ta ta for now from Iowa:) 1,000 miles from over...

TSannie said...

I know there have to be time lines and expectations set down that the person HAS to follow or else find different life arrangements. It's happening in my family and also my best friend's family as well. It. Is. SO. Hard. To. DO! I'm thinkin' of ya, Ms. Peach!

jojo said...

oddly enough, I understand some of this. I'm sorry...I know it's just too much and I wish I had some answers or advice or cup of coffee or something. I'm thinking of you dear Peach, with love and kindness and all the wonderfulness that you need and deserve in your life. Hang in there sweetie.

Reddirt Woman said...

I love your ramblings... I don't feel so alone when I'm bouncing around. It comforts me to know there is someone out there in blogland that can change the subject on a dime and give you a nickel change and even be understood.

Hugs Darlin' Laura!

Paxie said...

Okay, Helen's comment got me giggling and your post is not funny.

I've about given up trying to figure out why people do certain things or think the way they do. To go a little off "logical" is normal and I get that, but to go to the extreme...baffles me. I don't mind, if they are not affecting my life, but when they are? I have to decide, because if it's negative, I'll end up suffering. Once I've determined there is nothing I can do and they are causing me problems? I have to draw the line for my mental stability and physical health. Oh gosh..did you get that? I think you did :)

Love you and things always change, in fact, I think you just typed cha cha changes and I said okey dokey....woo hoo!!

Glad Bradley is healing well and MJ? She'll come around in about 10 years. It goes fast :)

Bluebird49 said...

This hit me very hard. We (retired and on a fixed income), are being used by a "family member"--it's in quotes, because--well, it's different than your family.) I have turned it over in my mind 300 times, and my husband and I are willing and ready to help anyone who needs it--but my God, I want to see them working to help themselves along with it. And I feel used and upset all the time--as I can see you are, as well. I think we' (hubby and I) have just decided we can do no more --and I feel so used up, and so much like a fool for doing what we've done to "help" someone--who isn't helping himself.
I just can only hope and pray for you-that you will figure out how to stop 'killing' yourself and your life that you and you hubby deserve and have worked for like we have. We have been blessed, but we can't throw it away on people who are just playing us because we believe in God and feel we should share what we have.... I know this is very cryptic--but your post was sort of like this , too. :)

I'm writing this with tears because I feel you're feeling used, like us.

Debra D. said...

I have been reading your blog for a while now, and have only commented once or twice. It seems like most of your readers know you personally and I don't want to intrude. Weird, I know, but your writing is so open and honest that I feel like I'm eavesdropping. But I wanted to tell you that, even though I don't know you personally, I think you are a very caring person with an amazing capacity for love and generosity. I can relate to you because I struggle with my relationship with my daughter. Even though the circumstances are not as trying as the ones you and MJ have gone through, it is still a struggle. It hurts to want to have a close relationship with someone you love so much, only to be held at arms length. I read a devotion once that talked about giving to someone who may not deserve it, like handing money to someone on the street. The writer said that sometimes, the merit is with the act of giving, not with the one receiving. God knows your heart.

Anonymous said...

debra, with the exception of ness and alice and stephanie i have never met in person the people who read mt blog...we are spread all over the country and world and have developed relationships through our blogs... you are not intruding amd are very welcome to our blog world family...it is filled with wonderful people :) thank you for taking the time to comment... hugs laura

TonjiaT said...

Oh Laura, I can read the pain in your heart as you write this post. I am so sorry that you have to go through the anguish of things and actions by someone who should be cherishing and respecting you....

I know God only gives us as much as we can handle, but I think you need a break...

I am sending you love and hugs and just want you to know that you are always in my prayers...

MJ said...

Mama-
i miss you dearly. i miss the day outtings, the games, the brunch dates, the simple conversation. i miss kerrie- and the kids at the lake. i miss the feeling of love.
i do miss you. i do love you. but i do not trust you with my heart. i bring halo to you because its the right thing to do.
i do not know how to heal and futhermore am not ready to begin healing this relationship.
As far as lori goes...i don't know her. time does change people. situations change people. and then people need time to get back on track. just try to be understanding, but do not be over run. COMMUNICATE. im sure she...just like me...doesn't appreciate the publicity of your relationship even though this is your venting process.
you are only ONE woman...your heart is far too open and too accepting of too much responsibility. you can't be there for everybody. you can't help everybody. you have got to accept that you can only do so much for someone...anyone...before they have to do something for themselves. you can take the elephant to the waterin hole but you cannot make it drink.
be careful of what you post. you may do more damage than recovery. i love you
MJ

Chris H said...

hee hehe... that's what I love about YOU Peachy... you love me no matter what I believe in!
That makes you a true 'Christian'... not a closed minded one.

No matter what you do or don't believe in... I think as long as you live a good life, care about your family, friends AND strangers and you do no harm you are OK.

{{{HUGS}}}