I have decided that because I am so open on here to do a leettle bit of splaining...about ME...who I am, what makes me tick so to speak and maybe some peoples in my life will come to understand why I do the things I do and what got me to this place in my life. a place by the way that when extraneous stuff is not involved I totally love. This may be a bit rambley, it might get a leetle confusin, slap full of cliches and for that I pologise in advance.
I will be 44 in a number of days... So I have lived a leetle bit... experienced some good, some bad, some ugly, and some fantastic....I still have a lot of living and learning left in me. *those who either know me in person or have been reading my blog for the last 6 or so years know a whole lot of this stuff....
since I was 16 years old, a line I was told that has stuck to me is... when in confusion or doubt start at the beginning.... so here goes the short ... ha ha ha yeah laugh now cause how do you put 44 years in short form...
the very general info... I was born, placed in an orphanage and adopted when I was 8 weeks old...
* adoption was final when I was 14 months. I grew up in a dysfunctional (ok go on and say it... we all grew up in dysfunction of some sort or another) home. My parents fought all the time, they were very unhappy yet stayed together because well because that's what you did back then. Much of my childhood I was on my own and thanks to that some bad crap happened. In the same time MANY MANY good things happened too... funny how the bad shit is what always seems to stand out and dominates memories and actions in the future.
by the time I was 15 my parents had split a couple of times but somehow dad always ended up back at home, one day a HUGE fight happened and I had, had enough. After being in the middle and scared to death that one parent would kill the other or me I told my father I was leaving with or without him and I went to my room packed my dads navy bag (that I have to this day) and crawled out of my bedroom window and headed for town. sometime on my way to town, he left too... and then things got a bit crazier (ok a LOT crazy) yet so much happier...
I lived with dad for the next year and a half... it was fun times as I did anything I wanted when I wanted with whom I wanted where I wanted and other than a night or two I did not worry in the least of the consequences of what I was doing... I partied... as in, lots of drugs and alcohol... LOTS ok...and I did everything that comes with that life that you can think of ... good, bad, and otherwise. I did not care about anyone but me and the people I THOUGHT were my friends. I can say THOUGHT with total conviction as when I turned up back in Hannibal a year and a half later I ended up living on the streets...for a while.
My cousins who were 5 years older than me decided to take me in. They made me choose to go back to high school... and pretty much let me do anything I wanted as long as I did my share at home and did not drive (when I had a car to drive) or ride with anyone who was drunk. I failed on the 'ride with" part too many times to count...but the times I did call they came to get me and probably saved my life more times than I can count. I lived with them until I was 19 yrs 3 months 20 days old.
at some point during my 17th year of life... a TRUE friend from my youth said to me one day... Laura if you keep doing the things you are doing you will be dead soon... this was one of the girls that I did so many bad things with... but she had found something.... and wanted to share it with me. And in doing so she saved my life. *thanks birdy*
She introduced me, in the most bizarre way that would work only for me I am sure, to this society called AA
she showed me that people CAN and DO live and enjoy living without being stoned or drunk... because I was at the point I really did not care if I lived or died. In fact I was convinced I would be dead before I turned 18 and I honestly could not see any kind of life past age 18, imagine the SHOCK I felt when one day I looked about and I was 20 something with two kids a husband and alive! On November 9th 1984 I quit drinking and drugs and began to try to live... really live, and this program gave me something I never had before...
It gave me something to believe in, something to hope for, it gave me through the evidence of others lives that IT COULD be done and COULD really happen, It gave me a understanding that what I had lived up to that point was not the way life was supposed to be and that it was up to me to make it what I wanted, even when I had no clue what I wanted... it gave me a guide to follow that really works for anyone in any situation not just a gutter drunk, druggie with burned out brain cells like me....
the first thing I had to do was admit that I was powerless and that my life was unmanageable...(yes I am condensing the steps too, because I have learned that this encompasses more than just drugs and alcohol) THIS IS A HUGE THING... I mean gee who wants to admit they have no power to do anything and that OH MY their Life is UNMANAGEABLE??? funny thing is... to me it was a HUGE RELIEF to realise and accept that I was a F' Up and had no clue how to live, it suddenly made sense... if that makes sense to you :)
the next thing was even harder for me...to come to believe that a POWER GREATER THAN ME could restore me to SANITY! **really now was is insane?? Oh HELL YES!! ** WOW you have no clue the depths of INSANITY that I lived and I had plenty of reason to believe that there WAS NO GOD, NO GREATER POWER, NO INTANGIBLE BEING WHO GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ME.... so I believed in a tree, and the mighty Mississippi river because YES INDEED they were a POWER greater than me.
At some point in my life I realised that it took someone or something even greater to make that river and that might oak tree... can't recall exactly when or what happened to wake my brain up to that simple fact but, it did wake and that being, I choose to call God... ok he chose that name or perhaps the great I AM or Yeshua or Jehovah or any number of other names that people who believe in him call him. PLEASE NOTE I have not mentioned a religious factor or a church or denomination or anything like that because ... well they are not a part of this...moving onward... simple point here is I had something to believe in.
during that revelation above I accidentally did the next thing required of me in this strange yet wonderful society...I turned my life over to that being ... that God, that someone to believe in, I took it back many times but in the end he got me.
The next part required of me I have had to do over and over and over as I find that as I grow and life changes I simply have to... is to do a complete searching, fearless MORAL INVENTORY of myself... and I suppose in some ways this is me doing it yet again...do you realise how scary it is to take your heart and mind out and really search what makes them tick... why they think what they think and why you have chosen to do what you have done or plan to do... yeah scary... thankfully they make a book that guides you through this step... and I have gone back to that little book so many times ... I have to laugh at the first time some times as life really was so simple back then... but to me it was not, it was a HUGE mountain to climb and very painful...but, no pain no gain as they say.
OH MY then comes MORE really hard stuff...I had to admit to God (or at the time to the river) and to ANOTHER HUMAN... Good lord someone was about to get to really know me. EVERYTHING especially the bad, the ugly, the wrong crap I had done... WHERE do I FIND SOMEONE who I can TRUST all this with? well there is a pretty simple answer to that cause bill and bob knew that TRUST is a huge issue for people in general, ESPECIALLY for those of us who had been led by drugs and alcohol... we have to have a sponsor, someone who has been there, done that, who is there 24/7/365 when we need them.
so because of the situation at the time... I had many sponsors HA HA HA see I was the SPECIAL case... No seriously... I was a special case... ok I was not that special ... but I did have MANY sponsors. and they still cared about and loved me even after they learned all of my deep dark pain filled secrets. WHEW!
then came the REALLY SCARY PART... I had to change... ok that not how its worded but that's what it amounts to.. I had to change the BAD crap that made me tick... what I did not know at the time was I was already deep into changing... cause you see just the simple not filling my body with drugs and alcohol, just lots of coffee, dewypeppers(mountain dew and dr pepper mixed) and cigarettes had already made a huge change in me... I did not know it at the time but if you ask the people who were around me back then they can tell you... I was still rather nutty but, was completely different than I was when filled with drugs and alcohol...
the next "step" ties into the one above but in short I had to ask God to remove the crap...or what are called defects of character... and damn I had a lot of them to be so young. this is another one of those that has to be done over and over in life... sigh...
the next is a real test of memories... because I had to make a list of all whom I had hurt, harmed, or done wrong and had to be ready willing and able to make amends to them all... funny how making that list seems so hard (I think this may be where I learned EMPATHY) because in stopping to think about all whom I had violated in my life I suddenly realised that My selfishness my single minded thought processes my self centeredness had really hurt others... suddenly I was made to realise just how my acts, actions, life had effected/affected **Always get those two messed up so I figure as messed up as I was BOTH fit ** others.
oh good lord can you guess what happens next???
Yeah, I had to go apologise, or make amends to those people on my list... unless that apology would harm them or others... thing is unless they were dead in MY CASE... no apology would harm them or others... so yep I had lots of pologisin to do... and I did ...today I am much better at pologisin much sooner and recognising when I NEED To pologise....wow... can you imagine how FREEING it is to admit that I had done wrong to face it and to go to that person and "FIX" it??? now, I have to say that EVERYONE did not forgive me... some were not too happy to learn of what I had done cause I was pretty sneaky and they had no idea it was me that did that thing.... but, anyway It is freeing... it is a new sense of freedom and happiness that cant really be splained until you live it.... but it is so worthy!
learning to recognise when I have done bad, or wrong admitting it sooner and fixing it... is the next thing... it is a life long process and one that as I change and grow simply becomes a part of me... of who I am, of what makes me tick... it changes how I see things and how I do things and therefor what I do.
I battled for many years with the prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understood him because I really did not understand him...but praying for the knowledge and power to live as I should also changed me...and somewhere along the line I did have that spiritual awakening and Do try NOT AS I should to carry that message to other alcoholics and drug addicts... and everyday people who's lives are totally out of control and unmanageable.... you see I have been clean and sober for 24 years... yeah you can go back and do the math... I went back out and tried the old life for a while... but, thankfully I lived long enough to make it back.... however since ever so many years ago I stopped going to meetings... See I broke all the RULES... I married a man who also is an alcoholic... one who is also clean and sober... and together we decided that the crap and BS that can happen in meetings was more than the good we needed in our lives so we stopped going to meetings... but, someway, somehow, we have made it work for us.
In doing these things I have found a new freedom and a new happiness, I do not regret the past nor have I forgotten it, I do comprehend the word serenity (she was my doberman pincher**little inside joke here I hear you laughing dad) and I do KNOW peace. The feelings of uselessness and self pity are gone, I have lost interest in selfish things and have grown to appreciate others, self seeking has gone, and my whole attitude and outlook on life has changed. My fear of people and economic crap has left me, I intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle me (yeah there are still some that baffle me) and I do realise that God has done for me what I could not do for myself. IT TAKES WORK, HARD WORK to make these things happen but, with time hard work becomes habit.
have to smile here... ok DAD say it out loud with me... page 449
"and acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person place thing or situation -some fact of my life -unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person place thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing absolutely nothing happens in Gods world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober, unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I can not be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes."
that being said this is a very selfish thing... there are places and times that you can not just accept you have to DO SOMETHING to make the change you want and to lead those who need leading and especially those who are asking to be led.
"acceptance is the key to my relationship with God today. I never just sit and do nothing while waiting for him to tell me what to do. Rather, I do whatever is in front of me to be done, and I leave the results up to him; however it turns out that is God's will for me."
"I must keep my magic magnifying mind on my acceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance. WHEN I CAN REMEMBER THIS. I CAN SEE I HAVE NEVER HAD IT SO GOOD!"
H is for honesty
O is for openmindness
W is for willingness
the big book calls this the essentials for recovery... I call this the essentials for LIFE!
rationalization- is giving a socially acceptable reason for a socially unacceptable behavior, and socially unacceptable behavior is a form of insanity.
ok dad where from here? HA HA HA yeah you know 552!
"if you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. EVEN when you really don't want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't really mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. do it everyday for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that when you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."
and that my friends is what makes me tick... what guides my life and decisons and makes me who I am today.
I do hope that this helps others to understand me ... to see why I do what I do and what motivates me.
and if it does not that's ok too... am I perfect? Nope. do I do this right all the time? Nope. Am I striving to live and breath and learn and teach? you betcha!
now to the fun stuff... Jeannie, Stephanie's cousin is being induced early as in today as she is a tiny cancer surviving girl who is 35 I think weeks pregnant and has been having labor for over a week ... and usually Saturdays Bradley goes to her aunts... anyway he is coming here today and I have to get the stuff I planned to do done much faster than I had planned... so that I can enjoy him while he is here... we were out swimming at 10 pm last night and OH it was so much FUN! that boy loves the pool!
Have a wonderful weekend :) God Bless :)
realised later today that I forgot to add something that is so totally important....
"people who "fail" are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves... There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault they seem to have been born this way. they are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a mannor of living which demands rigorous honesty. there are those too who suffer from grave mental and emotional disorders but they do recover if they have the capacity to be honest."
Funny I would forget to mention this part as it is something Michael will look at me from time to time when I am fussing about something he will say to me... Laura There ARE those UNFORTUNATES.... and HE is so right....