hummm, what to say...

DAD I TRIED TO CALL YOU ! So you would hear it from me and not read it here. 

I spent the day being poked and photographed and looked into today, by three different eye drs and assorted others....

these are pics of the inside of my left eye... The white circles are the fluid built up around my optic nerve....causeing my lack of seeing ablilty...

I have a  week of more tests coming up, blood work tomorrow after Bradleys wound clinic appt, then back to the retinal center on wednesday for more vision tests, then a mri on friday to rule out a brain tumor.

The dr thinks that I may have what is called pseudotumorcerebri but has to rule out the tumor to say for sure... then next week I will be going to a neurologest for more tests.  will also confess the spinal tap in my future is not setting well but I will deal with it when it comes.  SOMETIMES being a NURSE is NOT a good thing... Sigh.

I refuse to freak out to panic to fall into the doom and gloom that comes with  very dire circumstances, I will however admit that the eye dr who i normally go to, did freak me out and made me cry.   but by the time I got to the second drs I was fine... and by the third... well  facinated to be honest with the things they were doing and  showing me... even though most was really blurry as they kept my eyes dialiated.  oh and they said I have papilledema too.

The drive home in theDARKand RAIN was rather... well as my dear daughter said STUPID but dang there was no one who could come get me and bring the van home so I drove.  sides that had been driving all day with less than adequate vision... BLAH.

anyway wanted to let you all know whats been going on here as I find things out.  so keep me in your thoughts and prayers as this is sorted out and taken care of :) 
Until we meet again God bless you and keep you!!!!!

I have been MIA

Yes I know, I have been too busy too crazy too everything for awhile... AND I APOLOGISE...

I have had so much going on that I have not even kept up with it myself...

I actually sat down and wrote a snail mail letter to my aunt because I could not work out the time to call her, I usually for the last 6 years have talked to her at least once a week! 

Everyone here is well.  We got to spend some time with all for thanksgiving, including two friends that I met online over 8 years ago, who came to share in the feast with us!  IT MADE MY THANKSGIVING!

Corys still working as dispatcher, he should have his EMT testing soon

Stephanie has changed jobs about three times in 2 months... but I think finally has one that suits her

Bradley has been to the wound clinic again and goes back this coming Tuesday, IF that ONE spot has not improved as much as the surgeon thinks it should then he will be having a second skin graft on that area very soon as in next week or the week after....but he is great!

Martha lost her cracker barrel job, and under the circumstances cant say I would have done much differently, shes still working at the shoe dept at the mall so that's good, I am sure she will be hunting a second job very soon. Martha will be 20 in three days! SHEESH I just birthed her... what the heck happened to the time?

Halo is ... the silliest little thing, she is quite the entertainment when she is here.  she will be 11 months in a few days then we have Christmas and her birthday HARD TO BELIEVE she will be ONE.

Michael is good, he thought he had hurt his back messing with BERTHA, the bow saw, a couple weeks ago he missed some work and spent a lot of time with the heat pad, then finally we decided that BERTHA has not caused the problem but his intake of coffee and milk verses water or cranberry juice... as he began to partake in juice and water and within 24 hours was better.  I am glad I do not do a ill Michael very well... would much rather have a house full of sick people verses ONE sick Michael.  Nough said... but I am sure ALL the women understand.

I have some issues happening and will have to make time to visit the eye Dr soon, Not too sure whats going on but possibly a cataract ... have a cloud in the left side of my left eyes line of vision, no pain no hurts just totally annoying. 

I have allowed the on line yard sales take over my time and in turn have gotten rid of a lot of things that were in the way... HOWEVER I have also replaced much of the space I made... GAH  the babies have enough clothing to last until they are a couple sizes bigger than they wear now, they have enough toys for Christmas and birthdays to cover 10 kids easily.... my HOUSE STILL looks like a toy store puked in it... and it only takes Bradley 10 minutes tops to have 99% of it drug out inventoried and is totally busy playing, He has complete conniptions when he has to go home and I fear that's gonna get worse after Christmas and he gets ALL of his THOMAS train stuff OH MY...

I had to laugh yesterday, I was BEAT from Thursday and Wednesday and so when they came over Friday I was propped up on the couch in the recliner and pretty much refused to get up... and he made a mess with some cookies,  he grabbed his toy vacuum and tried to clean it up (his momma was sitting beside me in the other recliner)  anyway, when his vacuum did not do as he wanted he trotted off to the bedroom closet and drug out the big vacuum and brought it to the living room and told his momma in his language to use it... so she did the small area where the mess was and he got totally upset that she did not do the entire room like grandma does... Told her, see he is a great kid he helps me!  not so sure she appreciated that but, hey truth hurts!   He also  will not let anyone sit to eat without the blessing being said first so when they all sat to eat (i again refused to get up)  he made them stop until papa had said the blessing :)  he's such a good boy!

anyway have a busy time coming up as I ended up with 5 children from the angel tree (long story not telling it now ) anyway they have to be bought for and items delivered by the 9th, and if Bradley has to have surgery  then I will be  there plus his drs appts my own and just life in general....

Just wanted to check in on everyone and let you know we are living and well and to say I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving :)
God Bless and Keep you until we meet again!

The real who is who....

Ok fun and games aside... this is the real photos of us three  me, then Martha, then halo all taken between 9 months to a year I am pretty sure I was a year, martha is 10 months, and Halo 9 and a half months

Martha had a cotton head by the time she was this old... but as you can see we all look alike and in some pictures and with some expressions more than others...

whos who

1st before I load the pic... thank you all for thelove and support you give me... You ALL make my days brighter andhold me up when I cant hold myself... and I cant thank you enough for that....

now for the whos who...

truthfully its not hard to tell... but still its fun :)

The short of it all...

if there is such a thing as the short of it.

yeah this involves Martha...
and halo...
Saturday night Martha decided she wanted to come home, again.
she said she had enough and was ready to get her life together and make the changes that it would require for her to grow up and get out of the situation she is in.  
I believed her, again and hoped and prayed that she would listen and truly sever the ties that bind her. 
to take the time she need to get on her feet...
to give HERSELF a chance. 
She did not. 
She had made her decisions and needed a catalyst to make the reversal of her decision...
someone to blame for her staying here not working. 
I am that catalyst...
I CAN NOT keep my thoughts, my opinions, my beliefs, my feelings inside me...and when certain buttons are pushed all bets are off...
and when you are standing in my house no matter how right you think you are you do not try to tell me that my husband is not providing for you...
you do not bad mouth in any way him or my life with him...
so, I said what I believed and I was right... that she wanted me to say something to provide an excuse for her to go back to him...
and she did.  
At 3 am she walked out of my house leaving Halo here and walked to where ever...
this morning I got the texts I was expecting telling me how bad things are here and how bad I am and that she is staying with him and there is nothing I can say or do to change that...
I had already told her the night before that I can't make her decisions, I can't stop her from doing what ever she wants, I can voice my opinion on it and I can be unhappy with her choices but, that's it. 
She came around 1245 to get her things that she had brought over and to get Halo. 
She told me in her texts that she wont keep Halo away from me and will need rides from time to time... REALLY NOW...
is that so???
What she does not get ...
yet...
is that I ment what I said when I said I can not do this anymore, I can't have whats left of my heart ripped out and chunked into pieces and pulled and pushed because I love and want a relationship with my grand daughter....
and my daughter. 
I can't be the baby sitter when everyone else is too busy or her father wants to go party while her mother is working.  I can't be the necessary ride when its time for her to be picked up and he has not shown up. I can't get out of my bed any more at 1 am to try to help when things are bad. 
I simply can't...
because you see I think more of myself. 
I have to let her go, I have to let the grand child that I adore go and pray that nothing bad happens to her...
I have to keep living and I have to keep what little is left of my heart....
I have to trust that God will take care of them and that someday (everyone I have talked to who has gone through things like this SWEAR that SOMEDAY) it will all be better...
I'm sorry but, right now I seriously have my doubts. 
But I am trying hard to let God have it...
and let him take care of it...
and me.
so until SOMEDAY comes....
I wait.

Contest has ended...

Thank you for playing along with us...
due to the drama and crap in our lives ....
I declare all who participated winners so if you will email me your addresses I will find something that is specific to each as a prize because we need all the smiles we can get and you provided us with those.
love n hugs Laura :)