Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The short of it all...

if there is such a thing as the short of it.

yeah this involves Martha...
and halo...
Saturday night Martha decided she wanted to come home, again.
she said she had enough and was ready to get her life together and make the changes that it would require for her to grow up and get out of the situation she is in.  
I believed her, again and hoped and prayed that she would listen and truly sever the ties that bind her. 
to take the time she need to get on her feet...
to give HERSELF a chance. 
She did not. 
She had made her decisions and needed a catalyst to make the reversal of her decision...
someone to blame for her staying here not working. 
I am that catalyst...
I CAN NOT keep my thoughts, my opinions, my beliefs, my feelings inside me...and when certain buttons are pushed all bets are off...
and when you are standing in my house no matter how right you think you are you do not try to tell me that my husband is not providing for you...
you do not bad mouth in any way him or my life with him...
so, I said what I believed and I was right... that she wanted me to say something to provide an excuse for her to go back to him...
and she did.  
At 3 am she walked out of my house leaving Halo here and walked to where ever...
this morning I got the texts I was expecting telling me how bad things are here and how bad I am and that she is staying with him and there is nothing I can say or do to change that...
I had already told her the night before that I can't make her decisions, I can't stop her from doing what ever she wants, I can voice my opinion on it and I can be unhappy with her choices but, that's it. 
She came around 1245 to get her things that she had brought over and to get Halo. 
She told me in her texts that she wont keep Halo away from me and will need rides from time to time... REALLY NOW...
is that so???
What she does not get ...
yet...
is that I ment what I said when I said I can not do this anymore, I can't have whats left of my heart ripped out and chunked into pieces and pulled and pushed because I love and want a relationship with my grand daughter....
and my daughter. 
I can't be the baby sitter when everyone else is too busy or her father wants to go party while her mother is working.  I can't be the necessary ride when its time for her to be picked up and he has not shown up. I can't get out of my bed any more at 1 am to try to help when things are bad. 
I simply can't...
because you see I think more of myself. 
I have to let her go, I have to let the grand child that I adore go and pray that nothing bad happens to her...
I have to keep living and I have to keep what little is left of my heart....
I have to trust that God will take care of them and that someday (everyone I have talked to who has gone through things like this SWEAR that SOMEDAY) it will all be better...
I'm sorry but, right now I seriously have my doubts. 
But I am trying hard to let God have it...
and let him take care of it...
and me.
so until SOMEDAY comes....
I wait.

12 comments:

jojo said...

sometimes it's so hard to see any way out but I trust in Him and I know you do too...holding you close to my heart dear Peach, and sending loving prayers your way.

Jeannelle said...

Sounds like tough love.

Mental P Mama said...

Well while we wait for others to come to their senses, we have a mama getting back her power. Love and hugs to you. Sending prayers and good thoughts for Martha and Halo's safety.

Tracy DeLuca said...

Love and hugs! Stay strong.

Bluebird49 said...

xoxos :(

caroline said...

I'm praying with you Laura.

Paxie said...

I agree with everyone else. It is tough love and sound like that is what it's going to take.

I will keep Halo and Martha and YOU in my prayers. Sending you big hugs...hang in there sweetie.

Ellen said...

You go girl! You have to take a stand against being used. I pray that one day Martha will come to her senses.

Laura said...

Sorry for your hurt my friend. You are a wonderful mother, particularly since you know when enough is enough, and you are strong to try not to enable her so that she will be forced to face the realities of being grown (which she is). I feel sure that when her realization finally occurs (and it's bound to), you will be waiting with arms wide open (and without saying "I told you so."

Wanna try to do lunch again this Friday?

Chris H said...

No matter what we say we are going to do for US... the damn thing is they are our kids and no matter how awful they are... we love them. We worry about them. And we will be there for them even when we are saying we won't be. That's just how it is.
I feel for you. You know I am in the same place... except I have the grandchildren permanently.

Martha is just using you in her little game. She is just jerking HIS chain when she comes home... fully expecting you to ... as you say, be the catalyst for her going back to him.
ONE DAY she will grown up... I just hope she does it sooner rather then later.
In our case Lacy is now 32 !!! and still playing her nasty little games.

TonjiaT said...

I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said, my heart is breaking for you, I know how this hurts you Laura. I am sending you love and hugs, and I believe that you are making the right decision.

TSannie said...

Sending many many hugs your way, my friend.